The Narcissist’s Silence

I don’t really know why I haven’t addressed the issue of the narcissist’s penchant for using silence as a means of control earlier. After all, it was one of his modes of behavior that affected me the most and that turned me into an obsessive mess. The fact that I often didn’t hear a single word from him in days was a constant source of nearly unbearable pain, as it was ample proof of his distance and lack of concern. I constantly felt the desire to message him or give him a call. For me it was a sign of a healthy relationship that you wanted to stay in touch as often as possible. Not hearing from him over long periods of time was signalling me that my relationship to the narcissist was not in the least committed, and that he basically decided how close I was allowed to get. Through his silence and his control over our communication he kept me at bay and dictated the terms of our relationship. As a result, I felt completely powerless and dependent. Spending days in a row staring at my phone in the vain hope of receiving a message was a humiliating and nerve-racking experience, and I began to hate myself for making my entire happiness dependent on his inconsistent and uncommitted behavior.

I was confronted with his tendency to stay silent right from the beginning of our interaction. I got clear signs for his unavailability and inconsistency right from the start and nevertheless refused to see the red flags or to save myself while I was still not that emotionally involved. Our first date was pure perfection: There was an instant connection, we seemed to have so much in common and our minds seemed to be in tune. He already kissed me on said first date and I was swept off my feet, feeling as if I had just won the lottery. However, this feeling of bliss wasn’t supposed to last very long. When I met him again at work the following day, he just ignored me and didn’t even say goodbye before he left. I was shattered and couldn’t make any sense of it. I had to wait three days to hear from him again. Those three days were a time of extreme self-doubt and frustration. How could it be that he just stayed silent while I was floating on cloud number nine? Had I done anything wrong – anything that could justify his silence? As you can imagine, I was looking for an explanation in all the wrong places and it never occurred to me that he was just unwilling to offer commitment, or at least an interaction based on sincerity.

When we finally went on our second date he was all over me again – dragging me into deserted streets to be able to kiss me. Again I was completely swept of my feet and convinced that his previous silence had had no meaning. However, I was soon proven wrong. After our second date I again waited in vain for a message from him. It was so agonizing and heartbreaking that I contacted him two days later. I just couldn’t stand the silence any longer and asked when I would meet him again. Things would go on like this until the end of the relationship. I constantly had to wait several days for a call or a message from him. I could write the most heartfelt emails, pouring my heart out to him, and still I had to wait for several days for a reaction. He completely dictated the terms of our interaction, he was in control of every channel of communication, and I didn’t have a say.

The devastating effects of his silent treatment reached ist peak after several weeks. He had once again cancelled on me in the last minute, telling me that he was just too exhausted from work, and that he would make up for the missed date on the following weekend. However, when said weekend finally arrived, I just didn’t hear from him. I tried to contact him, but all my messages and calls were just ignored. I had been looking forward to that weekend for days and had cancelled all my other plans, just to find myself being ignored. It was devastating and I spent the entire weekend lying on the couch, crying and shaking all over, obsessing over why he ignored me, and scared shitless by the thought that something might have happened to him. When he contacted me again once the weekend was over he acted as if it was the most natural thing to not follow through with one’s plans and to not even inform the other party involved about it. He told me he hadn’t ignored me on purpose and had just been too busy to get in touch with me. Well…he couldn’t have been too busy to at least leave a message telling me he wouldn’t be able to see me after all. From that moment on everything was changed…I no longer could find any excuses for his silence and distance. I basically knew that he was utterly unattached and uncommitted, but refused to let that knowledge inform my behavior. I kept holding on to him, waiting for his messages, and was slowly losing my mind.

At the beginning of our relationship, when I was still not aware that he controlled our communication, I often couldn’t take the silence any longer and just contacted him. However, after a certain amount of time I cut down my efforts. First of all, it made me feel extremely needy and clingy to always be the one seeking contact. Secondly, I gradually gained insight into the fact that he wanted to be the one in charge of communication. I just tried to accept that he was in total command, that he expected me to patiently wait for him to contact me, and that he thereby controlled how close I was allowed to get. He contacted me whenever it suited his schedule, or whenever he felt like seeing me again. What I wanted never seemed to matter at all. I was slowly going crazy longing for him, waiting for the next opportunity to see him, and he didn’t seem to mind. If it didn’t fit into his schedule or if he didn’t feel like it, I just wasn’t allowed to see him. I accepted it, but of course it made me feel small, unwanted, pushed aside and undeserving of affection and care.

Whenever I heard from him or saw him again (often after several days or even weeks), he would treat me like a princess, telling me how nice it was to see me again, being all over me. He acted as if it was the most natural thing to keep silent for days and then just pick up from where he left – as if nothing had happened. It was like riding an emotional rollercoaster. One day I was suffering from his silence and seriously doubting his dedication. The next day he would sweep me off my feet again, showering me with compliments, caressing me, treating me like a cherished treasure. It was so confusing that I began to doubt my own sanity: How could he shower me with affection and then again ignore me for days? How could I be so assured of his affection one day, and then again be convinced that he was absolutely distanced and uncommitted? He was blowing hot and cold and I was falling apart from the constant insecurity about the nature of his feelings towards me.

After a certain amount of time the frustration had become so unbearable and his silence so humiliating that I had to take action. In order to get out of my obsessive frame of mind, I had to force myself to not check my phone or my emails for several days. I stashed away both my phone and my laptop in order not to completely lose my sanity. Sometimes I followed through with this tactic for several days in a row. Whenever I checked my phone again, I usually had a message waiting for me – and I therefore spared myself the agony of staring at my phone in vain for days in a row. My friends and family thought I was losing my mind because I stashed away my phone. For me, however, it was a necessary precaution to not feel like a needy and dependent mess and to not be constantly frustrated because of his torturing silence.

On one occasion I could finally muster the resolve to tell him how much his silence was hurting me – how unsatisfying and frustrating it was to receive no messages in days. In his reply he accused me of “measuring the depth of his feelings by the word count of his email”. He somehow couldn’t grasp that it was absolutely nerve-racking to have to wait for several days for a message (which often consisted of only a single sentence).

Now that the relationship is over I’m relieved that I can finally let go of obsessively staring at the phone, waiting for a message of him. All throughout our relationship, I was constantly on edge, waiting for him to get in touch and severely disappointed whenever he didn’t do so. Over the course of time I had worked myself into such an obsessed state of mind that I had to stash my phone away to keep myself from not going insane. The narcissist doesn’t care that he is slowly ripping you apart through his silence. He wants to stay in charge, he wants to dictate the terms of the relationship, and in order to be able to do so, he controls every aspect of our interaction with him. Everything is always according to his schedule, and he only contacts us when he feels like it or when it fits into his plans. After a certain amount of time you begin to accept their silence and you try to handle the realization that you have no say at all in what is going on. They often keep their silence for days and when they contact us again they just pick up from where they left. Instead of showing resistance, we tend to jump whenever they contact us again. All the frustration and agony is suddenly forgotten once they are all over us again. Moments of bliss alternate with extreme depression and disappointment, and we are often exhausted and drained from all the ups and downs.

I’ve finally learned to interpret silence as a red flag. In a healthy and committed relationship you don’t have to constantly beg for attention and submissively accept to be treated with silence. Besides, you never should have the nagging feeling that you have no say at all in what is going on. Being ignored for days in a row is a humiliating experience that makes you feel powerless, unwanted and worthless. I never want anyone to make me feel that way ever again…I never again want to beg for attention. It should be given freely and not be withheld as a means of staying in control and of determining how close you are allowed to get.

Narcissistic Behavior 14: Detachment

One of the characteristics of narcissistic behavior that can be emotionally damaging to an enormous extent for those involved with them is their detachment. Narcissists don’t seem to be able to feel with the same depth and purity than we do. Being with them, there is always the nagging feeling that we seem to be far more dedicated to the relationship and emotionally attached to the narcissists than they are to us. We are racking our brains about why it is that they can be so distanced and show so little involvement, while we are giving them all we have to give and often love them with all our hearts. It is pure agony to have to realize that the person you so ardently love and for whom you would do almost everything, is not nearly as emotionally involved and likely doesn’t share your feelings – at least not nearly to the same extent. To shield us from the pain that comes with this realization we often push it aside, cling to the little breadcrumps of affection they are throwing us and completely deny their lack of involvement. Our denial, however, does not solve the problem. Because we are unwilling to accept that they are not nearly as attached as we are, we are disappointed over and over again – whenever their lack of attachment becomes evident once more.

Even after having been disappointed numerous times, we still hold on to them. It would be unbearable for us to admit the evidence for the fact that they don’t really show any signs of a deep emotional attachment to us. We cling to the memory of those moments in which they showed us little signs of their supposed affection and think that if we only hang on, be patient and enduring, things will get better. We fool ourselves by holding on to the conviction that they might be emotionally attached to the same extent as we are, but they are just unwilling to show it. In our belief that some people are just unable and unwilling to show the real depth of their feelings, we deny all the facts that support their detachment and carelessness. We go on denying until we reach the point where their detachment becomes so obvious that even we can’t manage to turn a blind eye to it. By then we often have already invested so much into the relatioship – so much dedication, heartbreak, patience, understanding and energy – that we can’t stand the thought of just letting go. Consequently, in spite of clear evidence for their emotional detachment and lack of involvement, we still can’t let go of them. We hold on and debase ourselves in a misguided belief that our love for them can do miracles, and that if we just give them enough time, they will gradually learn to be as emotionally involved as we are.

Clinging to someone with all your strength, who doesn’t really have any use for our feelings and doesn’t know in the least how to return them is a crippling and heartbreaking experience. I held on tightly to someone for months, who clearly wasn’t nearly as emotionally attached as I was. For me, he became the center of my existence. He would always be my first thought in the morning and the last thing on my mind before I fell asleep. I wanted to spend as much time with him as possible, call him whenever I had a spare minute. In short, I felt for him with all my heart and was dedicated to a point where I was beginning to sacrifice my own well-being. In the beginning, it never even occurred to me that I might be investing much more into the relationship than he was. It never crossed my mind that I might not be his first thought in the morning, that his heart was not really in it, and that while I was giving all I had, he was only prepared to give whatever it took to keep me going.

After a certain amount of time, I began to sense his detachment and I slowly became aware of the fact that while I was prepared to sacrifice almost everything for him, he was always keeping a certain distance. On some level, I knew that I couldn’t be sure that he even had deep feelings for me. However, this realization was so painful that I kept pushing it aside. I tried to ignore all of the signs of his lack of emotional involvement and instead clung to the little breadcrumps of affection I received once in a while. My unwillingness to accept his distance led me to endure a lot of shady and ambiguous behavior patiently and with endurance. I somehow learned to live with the fact that while I wanted to spend as much time with him as possible, he seemed to be okay with seeing me about once a week. I also somehow came to terms with not being able to talk with him on the phone as often as I would have liked to. Whenever I received a message or a call from him it was really special for me. I would read his text messages and emails over and over again, because they were often everything I had to keep me going. They kept me in the illusion that on a deeper level he felt just as stongly for me, as I did for him, and that he was just unable to show it.

When I once complained about seeing him so seldomly, he only told me that he would also love to see me more often, but just didn’t have the time. I then told him that I had the nagging feeling that I seemed to care much more about seeing him than he did about seeing me. He denied it and just coldly stated that he had learned to live with shitty situations and therefore wasn’t so affected by not being able to see me that often. I once wrote him an email in which I complained about his lack of dedication. He accused me of being clingy and of overreacting. I accepted his explanations, lies and exuses over and over again. However, during the entire relationship I always sensed his emotional detachment as I got enough evidence for it on a daily basis, and just couldn’t deny all of it without taking a certain amount of damage. As a result, I was never really happy with him. On a deeper level I was aware that I was a 100% dedicated to him and loved him with all my heart, while I didn’t really get much in return. At times I was angry with myself for being so weak and for allowing myself to care so much and to love so ardently, when he apparently didn’t know how to reciprocate those feelings. I sensed that I would eventually get my heart broken, and still didn’t manage to let go and save myself.

My sadness and despair increased gradually, and it took me months to finally reach the point where I could no longer turn a blind eye to what was going on. I had an eye-opening epiphany while I was on a short trip with my best friend to Hamburg. We had a great time together and made so many fun experiences. One evening, when I lay in the hotel bed, I had the deep wish to call him and tell him about everything I had experienced. It would have been the most natural thing to do. It was another proof of the depth and intensity of my feelings for him: He was the one I so desperately wanted to talk to to share my experiences, because he was the one I cared about the most. However, I nearly choked on the realization that I would somehow not dare to call him and that during our relationship I never dared to just call him spontaneously. He had managed to keep his distance so well that I never dared to approach him. He was always the one approaching me and I had just accepted it without even giving it a second thought. On that night in Hamburg, painful realizations were nearly crushing me. It had finally become so very evident to me how distant we had always been to each other and that what we had was not even a real dedicated relationship. All of a sudden, I knew that I could not and would never be able to rely on him for emotional support. I understood that he would never be willing to give me what I needed: dedication, affection, honesty and consideration. The signs had been there right from the beginning and it took me several months to finally realize that he was detached and distanced and unable to appreciate and reciprocate my deep, loving feelings for him. While I had loved him unconditionally and with all my heart, he always managed to keep his distane and deny me the emotional support that I needed.

Being with a narcissist will more often than not leave you feeling empty, lonely, shattered and on the brink of an emotional breakdown. Our relationships with them are almost always one-sided, as they are unable and unwilling to feel with the same depth and dedication as we do. We tend to invest all we have in them and love them to an extent where we sacrifice our own wishes, needs and ambitions. Their detachment often is very evident, but we somehow manage to turn a blind eye to it, in order to shield us from pain. However, on a deeper level we are often very much aware of their lack of commitment, and it keeps us from feeling satisfied and happy. Having to accept their lack of emotional involvement is heart-breaking. How can it be that while we love them so ardently, and bear everything with patience and endurance, they are unwilling to reciprocate those feelings? We rack our brains in order to find an answer. We are convinced that we are the source of the problem, as we are just not deserving of real love and dedication. It would never occur to us that we are in a relationship with a narcissist who doesn’t have any use for our love. In a relationship with a narcissist you will never get what you want. Whenever you get too attached, they somehow manage to keep their distance. They cannot give you the stability, commitment and emotional involvement of a real relationship. We should therefore always try to face the facts – no matter how painful they are – instead of living in denial. We can try as hard as we want to, but we will never be able to turn them into the loving and dedicated partners that we are looking for. Having to beg for love and attention clearly doesn’t do us any good and it is a waste of time and energy. We should never debase ourselves and dwell in agony for a relationship with someone who doesn’t know how to value our feelings and how lucky he is to be the one our affections are directed at.