Effects of Being with Mr. Unavailable 1: Nagging Uncertainty

After having dwelled for quite some time on the different factors that turn a Mr. Unavailable into what he is – namely unavailabe – I will now use the next few posts to deal with what the effects of being with such a person are. I doubt that there is one single woman out there who possesses the mental strength and self-assurance to not be affected by the constant ups and downs that come with being with a Mr. Unavailable.

Especially codependent women are lacking in self-esteem and strength and are therefore especially affected by those men on two levels: First of all they are more prone to fall victim to them, because as they are not confident and happy with themselves they often attract shady guys who will only further lower their self-esteem. Secondly, as we don’t have the strongest personalities and depend on others for approval, we often are blind to the unjust treatment we receive, we are unable to free ourselves from unhealthy relationships and we tend to blame ourselves for everything that goes wrong. We often have to deal with nagging self-doubts and low self-esteem and that’s why the negative effects of being with a Mr. Unavailable hit us the hardest. We lack the self-assurance to tell ourselves that we deserve better and to free ourselves from unhealthy relationships as a consequence.

The first effect of being with Mr. Unavailables that I want to deal with is what I called “nagging uncertainty” in the title of this post. It’s one of the effects that I had to struggle with the most. I’ve already written about how changeable and fickle my Mr. Unavailable was. One day he would make promises about a bright future together…the other day he would threaten to leave the country and go back to the U.S. One day he would tell me he intended to move out of his exgirlfriend’s apartment, the other day I had to look at intimate pictures of the two of them on social media platforms. I could go on forever at this point, but I’ve already dedicated several posts to his faulty behavior and don’t want to repeat myself.

The effect of his changeableness was that I never really knew where the two of us were headed. I was in constant fear of losing him, as he continually threatened he might leave the country soon. I was never really allowed to touch upon the subject of what the future of our relationship would look like…if there was a future at all. I tried to talk to him about it, but all I good were evasive utterances and nothing that even came close to a satisfying answer.

As a result, I couldn’t even enjoy the time we spent together…not even when he spent an entire weekend at my place (which was a very special occasion as he usually had to stay at home with his exgirlfriend). There were always nagging thoughts in the back of my mind. I constantly had to remind myself that I should never allow myself to enjoy the time spent together and his presence too much. He might leave soon and it would make the farewell even more heartbreaking and devastating.

It was emotionally draining. I loved spending time with him so much, but at the same time couldn’t allow myself to enjoy it to the full extent. I even felt guilty and weak for enjoying it. I knew I was too emotionally involved and spending too much of my dedication, time and energy into a relationship that could just go down the drain at any moment. It is nerve-racking to be hanging in the air like this, not knowing where you are headed, dreading that all of your dedication and love will not be rewarded in the end, but will have been completely in vain.

Adding to this was the fact that I often wouldn’t hear from him for days. He would leave me hanging in the air, having agonizing thoughts about when I would see him again and why he didn’t leave me a message or call me. Sometimes I didn’t get to see him for several weeks. It didn’t seem to be bothering him and when I complained about feeling pushed aside he wouldn’t address my concerns. I started to realize that he was far more emotionally detached than I was, that he didn’t really allow himself to be too deeply involved with me and therefore tried to keep some distance. It made me feel even guiltier for not being able to be just as emotionally detached and to not let our interactions affect me so much. As it turned out, almost my entire being revolved around him and it was hard to bear being pushed aside and treated with distance and detachment. I clearly turned a guy into my priority who treated me like an option.

I’ve often asked myself why he even wanted to keep seeing me, given the fact that he was obviously not allowing himself to get too emotionally involved and that he must have realized how much he was hurting me through his changeable behavior. Only too late did I realize that being a textbook narcissist he didn’t really spend much time worrying about how I might feel or how much I might suffer from all of it. All he cared about was himself and apparently he found that I was too nice a distraction to just let me go out of consideration for my feelings…

As a result of all of this, I’ve spent the last five months feeling on edge. I could never fullly enjoy the time spent with him. I was never sure of where the relationship was headed. And I felt guilty for not managing to be more detached and for allowing myself to be so emotionally involved. As codependent people often do, I blamed myself for everything and tried to find the rationality behind the fact that he would often ignore me for days and keep me hanging in the air. I thought he was handling the entire situation in a more reasonable and mature way than I was and that I was the one to blame for my own misery.

Looking at it in retrospect, I realized that while I was certainly responsible for my misery to a certain extent, there were no excuses for his cold indifference. I now know that it was wrong of him to allow himself to even start dating me, given the uncertain situation he was in at the time. He should have known that he was only hurting my feelings by drawing me into his vagueness and uncertainties. He couldn’t have expected me to handle the situation in the same detached manner as he did…especially not after he was giving me hope by making plans for the future and repeatedly assuring me of his regard, respect and serious feelings for me. He was blowing hot and cold and sending me mixed messages: One day he seemed to be genuinely loving and caring, the other day he was detached and talking about leaving the country. I never knew how I should feel about any of it…

So to let you know the outcome: he is leaving the country in a few days. I’m starting to realize and accept that this is the best option for both of us. When I learned that he would leave I was at the same time utterly devastated and strangely relieved. Relieved because the exhausting and emotionally draining times of nagging uncertainties and agonizing thoughts would finally be over. I was on the verge of having a break down, because I couldn’t take it any longer. I feel strangely freed from a heavy burden that was weighing me down. Now I can finally start the healing process, take better care of myself and leave the painful emotional rollercoaster behind.

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Where to begin…?

I don’t even know where to start…The only thing I know is that everything hurts. It has been like this for months and I’ve reached the point where I have to take action or I will drown in my own misery. I’ve been through similar situations before and I often thought that things would get better once I grew older. Turns out I was very wrong. I seem to attract difficult personalities…Men who cannot offer stability, commitment and care. And every time it happens and my heart has been shattered to tiny pieces, I’m surprised and it hits me like a slap in the face. I never seem to learn my lesson and grow stronger and wiser. Finally, I’ve realized that there must be something wrong with me and I started looking for books dealing with the subject. After having read Robin Norwood’s “Women Who Love Too Much” and Natalie Lue’s “Mr. Unavailable & The Fallback Girl”, I’ve learned that I am probably suffering from a phenomenon called “co-dependence” and that there are many women sharing the same fate. It helped to acknowledge that I am not alone, that there are so many others suffering due to the same reasons as I do. It took me many failed relationships and broken dreams to realize that it’s not a coincidence and bad luck, but that through my addiction to attention and love I attract problematic personalities who are very likely to break my heart into pieces and leave me standing in the rain all alone. Right now I have to cope with yet another failed relationship…In retrospect I wouldn’t even dare to call it a relationship. It was more of a fling. I invested tons of energy, dedication and love into a man who couldn’t offer me anything at all. The only thing I ever got was broken promises. He kept blowing me off, disappointing me and breaking my heart. I knew I was wronged but never found the energy and strength to save myself and the little bit of self-esteem that I had left. I clinged to him, hoping he would change…hoping he would care enough about me to address my concerns and dreams. He never even tried…I still held on to him like he was the last person left in my life. My family and friends told me to let go because what I was doing was just not healthy. I never listened to any of them…I was totally weak and dependent.

Right now I’m in the middle of dealing with everything…the shitty way in which he treated me. And most of all, how I was so blind, weak and dependent that I debased myself, surpressed my own needs and desires to make everything work. I never got rewarded for anything and had to cope with the fact that my self-sacrifice was totally in vain. I lost touch with myself just to put my entire dedication into a situation that was doomed from the very beginning. I don’t want to give a summary of everything I had to endure those past few months in just this one post. I just wanted to give a general introduction, telling you how I am struggling with co-dependence. The aim of this blog is to document my struggle to overcome my problemtic behavior. I know that hundreds of thousands of other women share the same fate and I hope that through talking about my struggle I will make some of them realize how we share the same patterns of behavior…how we should stop debasing ourselves for others who are not worth our dedication and energy. We deserve to treat ourselves better and to not let ourselves be destroyed by unhealthy relationships. I am still in the middle of accepting all of this and hope that sharing my thoughts, doubts and the pain that is numbing my heart will open some of your eyes and make you realize your own codependent behavior. While I’m documenting my struggle with self-doubt, setbacks and pain, you will learn the details of the problematic relationships I had and still have to come to terms with…maybe you will find a piece of you in any of my stories…And don’t forget: You are not alone.