Narcissistic Behavior 7: Whining and Complaining

The next hallmark of narcissistic behavior I will focus on (whining and complaining) at first seems to be rather harmless for those involved with them. However, after spending some time with a narcissist, their constant complaints, whining and dissatisfaction can become very exhausting and draining. At the beginning of a relationship, we are often deeply affected by their constant sadness, our hearts go out to them in empathy, and we genuinely want to help them feel better by showering them with our affection. We soon have to accept the painful realization that no matter how hard we try, and how much we invest, nothing ever seems to lighten their mood.

Even if there seems to be no apparent reason for complaining or for being sad and depressed, the narcissist will always find something that darkens his mood. And he will not be content with just being sad, but he will rub his sadness in your face, constantly talk about it and draw you into his negativity. In the end, you will also feel gloomy. As we deeply care about the well-being of the narcissist and want him to feel happy, we are very much affected by his somber mood and the fact that we can’t do anything at all to change it. As long as he is so obviously unhappy, we can’t be happy, because our mood is inextricably linked to his.

In the course of my relationship, I often felt deeply conflicted. Spending time with Mr. Unavailable always made be unbelievably happy and I could have hugged the entire world out of the joy of being with him. He, however, was never genuinely happy, and he seemed to always be plagued by dark thoughts – even when spending time with me. So while I was thankful and glad for being with him, he was always gloomy, in a pensive mood, and very distracted. Realizing his sadness, my mood got darkened as well and I just never could live out my happiness and enjoy it to the full extent. I was convinced that things would get better over time and that maybe I could have a positive influence on his mood. After some time, I had to realize that while his presence had the power to make me unbelievably happy, I didn’t have the same effect on him. This realization was painful and depressing: Why couldn’t he be happy with me when I was so happy with him? It is nerve-racking and agonizing to always be surrounded by negativity, when you yourself could hug the entire world. It makes you feel conflicted and your are forced to realize that your presence is insufficient to make your partner feel carefree and happy.

The narcissist I dated was basically constantly unhappy and distracted, and he always found a reason to complain or to be dramatic. When he got sick, he would describe every single one of his symptoms in detail and whine about how horrible he felt. Even when he only had a cold, he made a huge drama out of it, and you could have gotten the impression that he was on the verge of dying. He constantly complained about having too much work to do and about feeling exhausted. However, he didn’t even work eight hours a day on average (on many days he didn’t have to work at all).

Additionally, he always complained about the “unfair” treatment he received from others. He talked about professors and work colleagues who didn’t appreciate his genius or about other people who spoke down to him. He complained about how mean his sister, his parents and his exgirlfriend treated him. His unhappy childhood was a frequent topic of our conversations and he never got tired of elaborating on the details. On a regular basis I was informed about how his childhood had irreversibly damaged him, how his dramatic relation to his exgirlfriend had negatively affected his capability to trust others and his willingness to date women, and how he was saddened by the many accusations directed at him by his sister. In all of his accounts, he was always the poor victim, being mistreated and misunderstood by others. Once he even told me that he regretted being such a nice guy and worrying so much about other people’s feelings. He pointed out that this tendency to be too considerate of others often made his own life miserable.

He also loved complaining about his “unbearable living situation” and his “meaningless, intellectually not stimulating job”. I lost count of how many times I had to listen to him whining about how unhappy he was. He never got tired of pointing out how his two years of living in Germany have been the most depressing time of his life, how he couldn’t take it much longer, and how much he hated his daily routine. According to him, everything he did was a waste of time and he had accomplished nothing at all. Whenever I talked to him, I was reminded of how low he felt, how his depression affected him so much that he didn’t eat enough and couldn’t sleep, and was losing weight as a result of it.

At the beginning, I was very much affected by his constant sadness and his many gloomy tales. My heart went out to him in sympathy and I felt sorry for the fact that he was apparently so genuinely dissatisfied with his life and his interactions with others. I had the naive hope that maybe I could contribute to a change in his mood, and brighten his outlook. However, I soon had to realize that his sadness and his tendency to talk about depressing and gloomy topics was unchangeable. Even when we were most intimate, and I could have cried out of thankfulness of being with him, I saw a deep sadness in his eyes. He was never able to just enjoy being with me, because he was too distracted, too worried about other things, too sad and depressed about his life.

After some time, this constant sadness is very exhausting and burdensome for those being with the narcissists. There never seems to be a moment of genuine, undistracted happiness. Nothing is easy-going, fun and relaxed. Instead, everything is dramatic, depressing and negative. Everything could be so perfect for us, but we are constantly drawn into their negativity and therefore cannot really enjoy being with them to the full extent. We would give everything for the ability to lighten their mood, but always find ourselves disillusioned by the realization that we don’t have the power to do so. Still we hold on to them, because our hearts go out to them in sympathy, we want to be there for them, we want to show them how much we care. However, our efforts are often not really appreciated and valued – which leads us to feel even more helpless and pushed aside.

In addition to all that drama, we often feel forced to neglect and hide our own feelings. Because the narcissist is always at the center of attention with his tales of woe, we often swallow our own dissatisfaction and end up losing touch with ourselves. Whenever I dared to complain about how low I felt due to the unsatisfying treatment I received from him, he would completely ignore the issue and instead dwell on how low he felt, how unhappy he was, and how everything just went wrong. I had to accept that my feelings were never a matter of interest to him, that they were always ignored and overshadowed by his own deep-seated frustrations.

Being with a narcissist with a tendency to whine and complain can, as a result, be very unhealthy and emotionally exhausting for us. While at the beginning we still hope we can have a positive effect on their well-being, we soon have to come to terms with the painful realization that they don’t have any use for our efforts to make them feel better. They prefer to wallow in their sadness and to present us with never-ending tales of woe. We soon get drawn into their negativity, because as long as they are unhappy, we cannot feel happy. We are conflicted because while being with them makes us feel whole and happy, they don’t seem to draw much pleasure out of being with us. This inability to lighten their mood negatively affects our sense of self-worth and our self-esteem. In addition, we completely lose touch with our own feelings and desires because everything is focused on the narcissist. Once the relationship is over, and we can focus on ourselves again, we realize how liberating it can feel to finally let go of all the negativity.

After my relationship with Mr. Unavailable ended I was devastated, but at the same time strangely relieved: It felt as if a huge cloud of negativity had finally evaporated. I no longer had to rack my brain about the many sources for his constant sadness and dissatisfaction, but could start looking after myself again. I also realized how much the five months of being with him had emotionally exhausted me. I was constantly affected by his negativity, and my futile endeavors to make him feel better have sucked the life out of me. I wish I had found the strength to opt out earlier: I could have saved myself a lot of drama. It might sound cruel, but if you ever find yourself in a relationship with a narcissist with a tendency to tell tales of woe, you should seriously consider opting out. I know it might seem like a tempting and worthwile endeavor to try to make them feel better. But in the end, you will often have accomplished nothing at all, because they have no real use for our sympathy. We often end up feeling exhausted and having wasted tons of energy that we should have spent on ourselves.

23 thoughts on “Narcissistic Behavior 7: Whining and Complaining

  1. narc: “im in pain! i have been for months!”
    you: “go see a doctor, please! i don’t want to see you like this anymore!”
    narc: “they won’t do anything for me! ive tried seeing one (lie).”

    narc: “ father won’t stop calling me or texting me! he is so annoying! i just want peace and quiet.”
    you: “turn off your phone or block him; you shouldn’t have to put up with that.”
    narc: “no…that won’t do anything; he’ll find another way to get a hold of me and ruin my day.” (continues to complain about it)

    narc: “my aunt is such a nightmare. every time i want to talk to her about something it turns into an argument! (lie; they themselves turn it into an argument) I just want to have a normal conversation with her without us yelling at each other.”
    you: “just tell her what you want to say and as soon as she starts to argue with you just tell her you’re not trying to argue with her and then leave the conversation.”
    narc: “…i guess. but she’s soooo stupid and says the dumbest things, i can’t help but not argue with her…”

    ^ this last one annoyed the hell out of me! it got to the point where i told him im sick of hearing him talk about his aunt. i told him i understand he needs to vent to someone, but that i don’t want to hear it anymore. it drives me crazy. in my head, as he’s whining about her, im thinking “SHUT THE FUCK UP! SHUT THE FUCK UP! please, JUST STOP!”, but i can’t tell him that. so i calmly try to tell him that i can’t listen to it anymore.
    his response: “who am i supposed to talk to then? you’re all i have, dude. i listen to you vent; why can’t you listen to me?”
    me: “sure i vent, but i don’t vent about the same shit over and over, and when i do, it’s only for a minute or two; not a half an hour.”
    him: “no, you vent just as much as i do.”
    me: “about what? name a time i vented about something that I constantly complain about for longer than 3 minutes.”
    him: “nah you do, dude. don’t try to act like you don’t. you do it just as much as i do.”
    me: “alright; but im telling you, please, just stop talking to me about your aunt. most of the time i side with her anyways.”

    this resulted in him spending, no joke, the next half hour about how wrong i am for siding with her, saying that the only reason i side with her is because she supports me financially. the whole half an hour i sat there, staring off into space, trying not to listen, shaking my head every now and then when he said something ridiculous and untrue, him scolding me for it. “you can shake your head all you want; you know im right.”

    did he stop complaining about his aunt to me after that? no. everyday he would do it. every goddam day! and why did he do it? because he didn’t care how i felt about it. he didn’t care if it was annoying the hell out of me. he didn’t care if i wanted to rip my ears off. when id get sick of it, get up and try to leave the room, he’d respond with “oh, that’s right; do what you ALWAYS do (another lie) and leave while im talking to you. so fucking disrespectful. im tired of your passive-aggressive bullshit.”
    at first this accusation and guilttrip would work on me, luring me back to sit down and listen to his whining until it would finally finish. after a while though, i would just leave the room and he would ignore me for several days.
    sorry i rambled again. i can’t help it. when i see other people’s posts, they remind me of the shit that i went through and im just hoping my experiences add more to the post in hopes that it helps people.
    another great post btw. keep the coming! 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

    • Please don’t apologize for the length of your comment. I appreciate your contributions! It really helps me a lot to see that others went through/are still going through similar situations. Everything you write sounds so familiar to me and it is another proof that narcs do indeed show common modes of behavior and are sucking the life out of us with their annoying habits. Thanks again for commenting and sharing our experiences! It is always highly appreciated 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

    • Gosh; sounds like we’re involved with the same guy:

      We have internet access AND a paper copy of the schedule for every bus around here. I leave the room now every time he starts snarling and whining about how he JUST missed the bus and had to stand freezing/sweating his cojones off;

      He claims to be unable to sleep but WILL NOT seek medical attention for it: “I don’t LIKE taking pills! YOU’RE the pillhead around here!” (I am ON DISABILITY for chronic pain and take opiates to manage it);

      He doesn’t like the unsalted butter I prefer and has been complaining about it for at LEAST the past eight years. He goes to the supermarket ALL THE TIME. Guess how much salted butter he’s bought for himself?

      He doesn’t like the Kosher salt I prefer; see “unsalted butter” above.

      They don’t WANT resolution; they want to COMPLAIN.

      Liked by 1 person

    • IT’S. NOT. YOU.

      If you tell them you HATE something, they KEEP doing it just to fuck with you. I’ve learned to put up with it quietly during the occasional poke-jab times he drags it out to see if it still works.

      If you tell them you LOVE something, they STOP doing it just to fuck with you. This was much more difficult at first, because “pleasure” and “feeling good” are so RARE that I used to be like the dying person in the desert who dives into the pond at the oasis.

      Too bad I shortly afterward ALWAYS got TORN TO SHREDS for, oh, being thirsty in the fist place; looking stupid / fat / corny / ridiculous jumping INTO the pond; getting all wet while I WAS in it; being greedy about how much of it I drank; what “EVERYBODY” / “PEOPLE” / “THEY” were “Saying About” me; how smeared my makeup and messed up my hair when I came out; I’m sure I’m preaching to the choir.

      I have, over time, said less and less to him about fewer and fewer topics. Most days now we go literally HOURS without exchanging a word. Are you at all surprised that now he whines to me about, “You never TAAAAALK to me” or, my FAVOURITE, “I’m SICK and TIRED of sitting here by myself with NOBODY TO TALK TO!”

      “Yeah; I know the feeling!” is now how I answer, in a very serious tone with a very straight face.

      Liked by 1 person

    • Wow…..I wonder if you dated my ex boyfriend. It sounds like him 1:1 including the two years in Germany 🙂 He dragged me down. I struggle with depression, but when this illness is under control I love life (or as I say: When I am happy, I make sure I have a really good time because sometimes I can´t feel happiness. So i love those moments).

      Liked by 1 person

    • I don’t know how long exactly it took me. After the relationship had ended I was so exhausted and devastated as a result of all the drama, that my capability to assess the situation rationally was impaired. I felt so extremely low that I read lots of books on codependency. I learned that codependents often end up with narcissists, and that’s when I first realized that the guy I dated might belong into that category. I think this was about a month after the end of the relationship. Everything I’ve read on the topic since then has confirmed my suspicion.


  2. Your narration of your narc ex resonates very well with how my narc mum behaves. She will whine and complain on a daily basis. And even when you give her solutions to her problem, she will ignore you and keep whining and complaining. She never likes seeing others happy and fulfilled with their lives.
    I remember when we were way younger, if we were laughing and happy in the evening she would say, `before the night ends, someone will cry.’ We were never sure who that someone will be for she always created that intentional suspense for my sister and i but sure enough, it could either be me who would be yelled at and reduced to tears or my sister who would be hit. As i grew older, i started acting like my narc mum to my horror. I was this young woman who always complained. I pushed away so many elligible guys and friends with my lack of satisfaction in life and happiness. I’m still on a process to rid myself off the complaints and whines because i have since come to learn in life, that everyone has their own problems which of course, they don’t keep talking about.
    Talking about yours always only raises eyebrows and makes people keep off from you. I have a feeling that narcs always whine and complain as a way to get attention. It is so irritating but since they are always fixated on themselves, they don’t realize just how much their actions torment others or make others feel like they could be elsewhere.
    I remember a few months back meeting a guy who always complained and knowing about NPD then, i just cut off links with him for good. He would text and i wouldn’t reply. In the end he got the message and kept off. I just didn’t feel striong enough to deal with a narc mum and a boyfriend too exhibiting narc tendencies. I would rather cut off links with the one i wasn’t related to by blood and remain with the one who i had to learn strategies to navigate through life with due to her relation to me.
    Very informative post. Thank You for posting it 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you so much for sharing your experiences! You are right: even when we present the narcs with solutions they are not interested in it but prefer going on complaining about their miserable lives. There were definitely many solutions to the problems my narc was complaining about…he just never really wanted to solve them…he was too satisfied with being the center of attention with his whining. Thank you again for your comment. I appreciate it very much when others share their experiences. It helps me to see that I’m not alone and that my assessment of narcissistic behavior is correct 🙂


    • May be we shared the same mother??? Mine always complained of disease but never interested in seeing a doctor.
      Its hell growing up as a child around such a scr&*ed mother. I have paid the price to hell and back. Therapy has been like
      a phd study for me…. in the hope of making sense of my life.


    • This is just like my mother, she did this yesterday while folding clothes and wonders why nobody is willing to help her because you complain way too much and not realize how it impacts others. I am really struggling right now and don’t have the funds right now to change it. I am trying to work again and put money in the bank and do what needs to be done through freelancing but I can never be guaranteed to get work. I try to reason with her but instead, I am getting nothing. I am grateful for the work that is provided but I also have a young son to take care of and she expects me to drop everything and attend to her needs or clean up her house. When really she complains how I do things do not meet her standards. I live with her after I disconnected with my own ex. She has a nice house 5 bedroom 3 baths. Living in a nice neighborhood. Yet, she still complains how life is. I am like, dude you complain way too much and not solve the problem. I asked if I can borrow the car so I can go back and job search. She wouldn’t even let me do that complains how my son and I are always home. I am not contributing financially. I get it she wants money. I want to live my life again with my son and regain my independence after my accident. I am sone how a burden to her. I am still trying to navigate through life while living with her and my dad. I mean my dad and i always somehow gotten on the wrong side of mom without reason.. I got so fed up with her I told her to fix the issues if there is a problem instead of complaining about it. I didn’t want to be in a constant battle with her but I am trying to fix my issues after my car accident and her taking income from me so I can’t replace the car. I feel bad for my son who is stuck in the house with me. We want to go out and do things but can’t. There are no public transportation because we live in the US in the suburbs. So a car is essential where I am located. I don’t know what to do and I don’t know how to get around as much… I don’t know what I am doing wrong either because every time I admit to doing something wrong it just backfires on me. All I want is a little bit of understanding and help. Yet to her I am asking for an arm and a leg.


  3. I could have written every single one of these comments. YES they love to complain. It IS exhausting!! And.. NO, they do NOT want solutions. I’ve offered MANY. HIs out of control dogs? TRAIN THEM. Did he? NO. Don’t like your job? Quit!! Did he? NO. (He is retired, on a pension – this was an extra job). Complained about people wanting him to do side jobs. Did he say NO? No.. he wanted the money but LOVED complaining that people were monopolizing his time!! Complained about his back aching. EVERY DAY. Did he just take a pill and stop complaining? NO. This went on for TEN YEARS. I am EXHAUSTED. I try to share my problems – even OUR problems.. and he ignores me.
    OR I get the silent treatment for days.. Then he comes back like nothing ever happened. WHO DOES THIS? A NARCISSIST. You are all correct. They cannot be fixed. You either shut up, accept that you will be ignored/neglected, agree with EVERYTHING they say or want…. or LEAVE. Well.. I left. We are still married but don’t live together. But the kicker is.. he STILL manages to suck the life out of me!!! He sides with his family against me — invests nothing in our relationship – I get no money from him. No little surprises. You know why?? He claimed his PRESENCE was PRESENT enough……… !! He wines and dines women to trap them. But afterwards – after getting you hooked? They could care less. You are a piece of FURNITURE. To be shoved around at their whim. My husband places more value on his spoiled, rotten, dogs than he does his WIFE OR his family. And.. does he see anything wrong with that?? NO. So ladies.. gentlemen.. Stop asking what is wrong with THEM? Ask what is wrong with US for accepting such
    deplorable behavior. There is a lot of cognitive dissonance ( words don’t match up with actions).. It’s confusing.. SOOOOOO confusing to be the victim of one of these
    empty shelled vampires. I guess we spend the greater part of our lives trying to figure out.. WHAT just happened?? WHY that happened?? And.. The ONE time they do listen to you – agree to a solution? 5 minutes later they have forgotten about it – like the conversation never happened. I could write a book on this stuff. Crazy Making at it’s finest.
    The twists – turns – lies – rewriting history – blatant delusions – projection – gaslighting – excuses – complaints – blah blah blah blah. NO WONDER WE ARE EXHAUSTED!!!!!!!!

    Liked by 2 people

    • I could not agree more…you are so so right! We should never change ourselves to adjust to their whims…we should recognize narcissists for what they are and get the hell out


  4. Been with a narcissists for over 7 years, I m exhausted and very sad. Don’t know how to get out, love this man so much. Losing myself everyday. I m not the same person.
    At wits end!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. OMG!! You are 100% spot on! Excellent job collecting all these sad truths and putting them into usable form! I enjoy your writing style and want you to know you are helping many others through writing the truth about narcissists!


  6. I’ve been reading more and more about narcissist behavior and am quite relieved and surprised at the same time. I recently ended things for good with a long-distance(later moved in) boyfriend. The long distance may be the only reason it lasted 4.5 years (we lived 1.5 yrs together before I sent his A$$ home). I can’t believe how I was sucked into such darkness, subconsciously believing I had to fight for another day. I believed I had to be there for him: we constantly talked from day 1 and I considered him very close to me. Of course, the sh*t really hit the fan when he moved in. I’ll try to keep my story short, but it makes more sense to start from the beginning.
    We met online via a mutual game played. I’d talked to him and knew him at least a year or more before we decided to call us a “thing”. After 6 months of phone calls and texts, we agreed to meet up. He was two states away in the USA. He flew up to see me; we split the cost of the ticket as it was never cheap nor a direct flight. He spent a couple days here (I was still with my parents at 22). We had a fairly good time, and he had to return home only after 3 days. (I fell sick a day after he left cause we didn’t use protection- won’t get into that though as haunting as it is)
    We continued our long distance relationship, but flying got expensive. I was just finishing out college and started a new job not long after. I decided to save up for a car that was dependable in road trips (10-12hr drive to see him). A couple years pass now, and I found myself sending him money. Only because he begged me to numerous times, (he quit the job he had for whatever reason). He’d tell me how awful it was being there and he needed money to get on his feet. I HATED sending it but I felt I was doing a good deed and that it’d make him happy. He would barely thank me and then the same cycles repeated eventually. In the midst of it, we took turns visiting. I met his whole family which were nice people, but I couldn’t see myself living there as I knew he wanted. I had saved up and got my car, and was now saving for an apartment. Even during these times we would have tiny arguments (can’t even remember over what now, usually I was the one who said something wrong, or he’d accuse me of ridiculous things instead of just asking). It was usually a trivial matter and I was always the first one to step back and end the fight.
    Well, eventually he moved in to the apartment I just signed not far from my hometown(June 2016).
    It started out okay, y’know, as things would be. The apartment itself wasn’t the nicest at all, but we finally had alone time. He was supposed to get a job, which he found one unreasonably far away (his car brought him here but wasn’t that good to be riding two hours each day). I was working 5 days or more a week as I had since I started my job (almost 2years prior). He eventually found work with the apartment renters who also owned a business.
    It was always the little things though. He was always worried about “other guys” (which I had always been faithful since before we even met) and even the subject began to annoy me. I trusted he wouldn’t cheat on me as I knew how attached to me he was. But there was other things that caught my eye. He would borrow money from me, to go to the store (chewing tobacco or soda and crap that I also bought for him weekly) I didn’t question it. Not until it took him over an hour to go to the store that was 3 minutes down the road. He said he was hanging out with (guy name, someone he met through the business) at his house (which actually was right down the road). I shrugged it off until it became a regular occurrence and my money was slowly going missing….
    This began to affect me more obviously now: I became paranoid and distrusting of his actions. I became investigative almost to a fault. Not only was I paying the entire rent, which wasn’t cheap, and the bills. He hardly ever paid for anything unless it directly benefitted him. So eventually, I opened my safe only to find the hundreds of dollars I had hidden, had been meaning to take to the bank, was GONE. He said he was going to tell me and it wasn’t all at once. This is how I learned of his drug problem (also by snooping which is also destructive, and seeing where he went to get that) He told me he really wanted to stop and he believed coming up to live with me would help.
    He had been taking money from me from even BEFORE we lived together (I was sending him money for what?)
    All the while, my health was declining. I tried so hard to make him happy, but I knew I had to push him to stop. I’m leaving major details out as far as I went to stop this and I truly believe he did stop the following year we were still living together (why didn’t I kick his arse out?!) i really did care for him. I suppose I believed it could get better. That we were supposed to go through Hell to find paradise. But his attitude was far from warming… even when he was drug-free and I had a close watch on my money, he was still nasty in his words and hardly helped at all. We shared (very few) good times and I was still working constantly to afford the place, as he rarely had money to pay for anything (maybe he didn’t stop?) He would criticize anything that I said I enjoyed. If I was ever sick he literally told me to “snap out of it” or to stop thinking that way. But when he was sick, it had to be 100% of anyone’s attention. He hated me working and he demanded I cook food. I tried very hard to (it wasn’t that bad considering I was a baker too) He would refuse to eat it or say it was disgusting before even trying it at all. I recall getting so angry at his words one morning, I PUNCHED a hole in the wall (it was fixed yes). I made breakfast for the whining baby, and all he says is “This doesn’t look like Moms cooking” I lost it then and there and stormed away and realized my fist went through the wall in the next room. Of course he never said sorry for his hurtful words. Even I had apologized for my rash behavior. It wasn’t even the first time I got so frustrated and angry with his unreasonable attitude. Not to mention I couldn’t be in any stores with him because of how he acted and I found myself shutting down. I couldn’t even communicate properly with other people to order or buy anything, so I had to go alone. I was paying for it anyway… I say all these things and it’s not even the worst details but I still think how the Hell did I deal with all that? I used to date guys and drop them if I didn’t really like them!
    Eventually it was nearing the holidays of (2017) and we had already decided we both didn’t want to live in the apartment anymore (the outside atmosphere was less than comfortable). I had been crying for days without truly knowing why, except that I didn’t want to move down there with him. He made a deadline for the New Year, to make the move down to his hometown. I knew I didn’t want to be there. I knew it would make my health worse and my now onset depression even more so. But even more, I didn’t want to live that way. I had become so paranoid and untrusting of him. I had become resentful and he even resented me because I wouldn’t “do anything”. (When I got home from work I was too exhausted and mentally drained to go out to entertain him) I couldn’t see past all the horrible things that happened even from the first time we had met. He was way too proud to ever admit anything…
    I was at work one day when I sent him a long message telling him that he should go home alone this time, to go see his family. I just couldn’t hold on anymore. When I got back, he was crying. It was the most emotion I’d seen. We talked it over and I just saw it more practical that he go home since he was homesick and needed to see his family. I was too tied up at work for the holidays and it stressed me out thinking of going there again. He left for Home a couple days later given the weather. We were still talking and it wasn’t considered over. I put in the notice to my apartment and also had to tell my job I was moving even though I really didn’t want to. He despised my job and told me so many times how those people didn’t matter and I wasn’t earning anything. (I was but it was being spent! And my job helped me get through the bullsh*t)
    I knew I needed alone time to figure myself out. We would still talk every day but I was giving him space cause I thought that’s what he needed. One day between thanksgiving and Christmas, he said things weren’t working out. He couldn’t do it anymore, as I seemed to “not care enough”. That raised a red flag for me and I found myself looking in his messages again, only to find that he took drugs again. At this point he was so angry that I looked at his stuff when I confronted him about it. But I still clung on for some reason and we tried to make it better (after a week of him ignoring me and then crying back) He said I could make it up to him by sending him money. I cringed so much at this…… and regretfully went and sent him. He said he wasn’t going to do those drugs anymore and it was just for weed, and that he did that because he was so upset and he felt I wasn’t there. At this point the bad taste in my mouth wasn’t disappearing. But I still talked to him… still dreaded going to live there. It turned into me visiting and him coming back up with me so we could start again. Deep down, though, I knew it wasn’t going to work. The new year came, and I was less and less wanting to talk to or call him. I still had work to go to but my last day was nearing… There was a holiday work party (after the new year) and I really wanted to go. He knew about it months before and I knew he didn’t want me to go because of “them guys”. Well, I went regardless and he didn’t give me a problem. But we did argue about a stupid topic earlier in the day. He can’t be talked to if he’s hungry or just woke up. Somehow though, he ALWAYS blamed me and nothing was ever his fault. Ever. Somehow it was always something I said or did. At this point I really stopped caring. All the care was drained from me long before.
    So I attended the party (at a public place) and had a good time laughing with coworkers. I told him earlier I’d probably stay til 9, but ended up staying past 10:30 because I had a couple drinks and waited it out. Everyone else was leaving around that time anyway. Before I left, I had an innocent conversation with two male coworkers(one younger and one older) about video games. The younger guy even gave me money and insisted I take it when I tried to hand it back…. (None of them knew of how crappy my relationship was)
    Anyway, I told my BF exactly when I was leaving (mind you I always had to tell him what I was doing, but if I questioned him it turned into an argument about how I didn’t trust him) And I was even honest enough to tell him I had talked to two boys about videogames before leaving. I got in the car and put my music on, and he blew up my phone. I wouldn’t answer because I was driving… he called and texted saying he was trying to understand why I spent the night with another guy. At this point I was fuming angry, just at his unreasonable accusations (and this wasn’t the first time of course). When I got home he called and called and I told him I was sick of this and I didn’t want to talk. We still texted that night though and eventually came to the conclusion that it was over. I held my ground and told him I was done dealing with this. He said he’d give me a week to get down there or else it was over. I wasn’t going anyway, and it didn’t even hurt to break up this time. He got the point that I wasn’t going there. A couple days later he sent a message as if to test the waters. I told him I didn’t want to be with him and that he really didn’t want to be with me either and he’s said things (even in the past, he’s said he wouldn’t care if I slept with another guy, which hurt considering the times he tormented me over that very subject) After I told him that, he sends a long message telling me he can’t bare to see me be by myself. He can’t bare to see my living my own life without him.
    I told him, THAT is exactly the problem! You’d rather see me miserable and suffering WITH you, than to be happy and away from you. Since then I’ve stopped contact. He’ll send a frowning face via text if he saw me online somewhere. I ignore it. I’m never going back to that! Now it’s been passed a week and I can say I feel great. I feel the strength I had returning once more. I realized how WEAK he made me. I couldn’t imagine spending my life with someone who made me feel so useless and low. He took any confidence I had and stepped all over it. He only wanted me to be confident in HIM. He only wanted me to uplift him. I look back now and say Thank You, for letting me go. Four years of a lesson and the biggest lesson of my life so far. I won’t date anyone now at least for several years until I’ve become my own person again. I am still picking up the pieces but I see how much better things look without a large grey cloud looming over my neck.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Thank you so much!!!!.. I am not stupid, I got out of this mess one time before, and as soon my narcissist realized I was gone he performed miracles to get me back. I will not be as easy to convince this time. Now I just have to figure out how to get out of this hopeless shit storm of a relationship, but you can be sure than I will get out and get away, no matter what it cost me. I deserve a chance to find real love not this selfish game of never enough. First thing I’m gonna do is WHATEVER THE HELL I WANT!!!!!! He can have any of this shit he wants, he can’t hurt me by keeping it from me. Ill walk away and leave with the clothes on my back before I try to make this work another second. IT IS OVER. NOT GONNA CRY ABOUT IT. NOT GONNA FIGHT FOR ANY OF THIS MATERIAL SHIT. HE CAN HAVE MY BED, MY WASHER AND DRYER, AND ALL MY CLOTHES BUT HE CAN NOT HAVE ME. it only took 17 years to get this angry, don’t make the same mistake I did get out and run far.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thank you so much for sharing. I wish you a lot of strength for your endeavor to free yourself from a toxic relationship. I totally get your extreme anger. It’s a result of the mindfuckery and abuse the narcissists expose us to. It can really make you lose your self control.
      All the best to you!


  8. My situation very similar
    My partner always not happy with anything: he just can’t enjoy simple things there will be always something that irritate him or piss him off. It drain my energy every day more and more.
    He is always complained that he is disadvantaged and have never achieved anything, however he has a good family that supports him well paid job … where me have no family and i was raised in foster care… Like put things in perspective man …
    I can never say i am not feeling well only because he will ignore it completely but he complains about every part of his body everything always in pain, he is going to doctors but there is nothing .. sometimes i feel like he makes things up.
    I also cope passive aggressive behavior from him – nearly every morning he tells me why i so dressed up or its take me too long to do my make up and why do i need to put so much effort in my appearance…. and he was complaining that his ex never put an effort in her appearance…
    What ever i do he has nasty comment and then he says he is joking .
    Like : you dont need to trash all kitchen when you cook ——
    or:- you are so opinionated i just hated it about you ….
    he always make a sarcastic jokes about me but if i make a joke he just hate it and he just doesn’t like to hear it ..
    He always must have a last word and be right in every conversation in every little thing its getting so crazy sometimes

    Its draining my energy i am happy person that always see a positive in every situation but it just not happening any more.

    I read so many article about how to handle this behavior the suggestions they had is to submit and not to respond but i don’t think is my personality and i don’t want to give in only because i don’t want to be lonely.

    My apology spelling mistakes ….

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank your for your comment. Your partner really sounds like a textbook narcissist. Not wanting to be lonely is not worth all of the sacrifices. Believe me, I`ve been there. I`ve always desperately tried to avoid being on my own…I have always needed a partner to validate me and felt like I was nothing without someone by my side.
      However, I have finally managed to recognize this pattern in me and I’ve now been living alone for a very long time. I am alright with it. It is definitely more healthy than to always be in toxic relationships.
      All the best to you 🙂


  9. Ohh my yes the complaining, everything from house chores to scheduling was played like a poker game. Bluff and make a big production of minuscule cleaning tasks while being passive aggressive across the board with everything else. Constant manipulation non stop, impossible people to live with. Then claim that they do everything, I actually think they believe it.. its just crazy.


  10. I know this post is older but i ran crossed it when trying to help understand myself better, Your other, he’s just like me! But i complain mostly to myself, in my head because well simply i believe everyone hates me so keeping to myself feels like the right thing. Now I’m sure you got the answer you was looking for, but for what you stated, being in a tragic situation is the reason he is like this, plus with many other events. I have extreme PTSD plus other issues from my childhood, so with so much built up and no place to put it, i tend to simply complain about it. It sucks but it is the truth! I’m more open to explain it only because i been to therapy for 3 years and talking about my problems made everything better. I recommend getting him some mental help.


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