Narcissistic Behavior 6: Accuses You of Emotions He Is Provoking

Another narcissistic mode of behavior that has the tendency to drive those interacting with them insane, is accusing others for exactly those emotions that they are provoking in the first place. Consequently, they can treat us like shit and we will be the ones feeling guilty in the end. This strategy is particularly harmful for the victims of narcissistic abuse, because they constantly feel that their feelings are unreasonable and not valid, when they are in fact more than justified. Instead of trusting our feelings and acting accordingly, we interpret them as sings of weakness, try to push them aside and, as a result, allow the narcissists to go on treating us with disrespect. Our low self-esteem makes us readily absorb all the guilt and the blame that the narcissist is trying to install in us. We don’t believe in our own feelings and instincts and consequently we readily believe the narcissist is right when he accuses of of being “too needy”, “too clingy”, “too jealous” etc. – feelings that are provoked by his ambiguous, dishonest and manipulative behavior.

During the time I was dating Mr. Unavailable I was constantly on edge, struggling with uncertainty, feeling gloomy, worthless, unappreciated and neglected. As if this wasn’t enough, I was also feeling guilty for every single one of these feelings. I was convinced that I only felt that strongly, because I was too needy, got too attached too fast, and allowed myself to have too many hopes right from the beginning. I blamed my codependency for everything and readily absorbed all the blame for not feeling well. It is certainly true that I tend to feel too strongly right from the start and that I get attached very easily. I am therefore also to blame for the intensity of my feelings. However, looking at the way I was treated, the uncertainty and ambiguity I was exposed to for months, it does not really come as a surprise that I felt so extremely low. Everyone receiving such a treatment would have eventually given in to depression and a feeling of worthlessness. Therefore, it isn’t enough to just blame your codependency and dismiss your feelings as wrong. We also have to see that we have gone through an emotional rollercoaster, that our feelings have been played with, and that we endured a lot of dishonesty and ambiguity. Our frustration, sadness and desperation are therefore valid feelings, that are not only caused by our codependency, but by the treatment we receive from the narcissists.

Narcissists, however, deny their responsibility for the fact that we are slowly disintegrating. Our dependency, feeling of islation and jealousy are for them only a product of our own weakness and we are to blame for feeling so low. Because we don’t believe in our own instincts and rationality, we readily believe their assessment of the situation. So in the end, we not only feel low, but we blame ourselves for everything. We end up feeling guilty and completely disempowered. As we don’t trust in our feelings of being treated unfairly, we don’t act on them and stay in the miserable and unhealthy relationship we are in.

There were times in my relationship with Mr. Unavailable in which I felt as if I was completely losing my mind. On some deeper level I always knew that I was not treated fairly and respectfully, and I knew that I had every reason to doubt his supposed feelings of care and affection. However, I never trusted my feelings, but pushed them aside as being a product of my codependency and therefore not valid. I rarely dared to give voice to how much I suffered, because I thought that my feelings were a sign of weakness and dependency. The narcissist I dated contributed to my tendency to shift all the blame to myself. Whenever I couldn’t take it any longer and told him how unhappy I was, he would dismiss my concerns and tell me I was just overreacting, clingy or being unreasonable. I immediately felt guilty for having said anything at all. I believed in his assessment without a doubt and was angry for allowing myself a moment of weakness.

Once, after I hadn’t heard from him for several days and he had ignored all of my calls and messages, I was so worried and feeling so low that I nearly got insane. I lay in bed all day with agonizing thoughts in my head, shaking all over and unable to do even the simplest tasks. I was convinced something had happened to him, or that he had decided to just stop communicating with me. I was racking my brain, feeling completely paralysed. He didn’t even know I was feeling so strongly. The only thing I wrote him was that I was really worried. When I finally heard back from him, he told me I was overreacting. As so many times before, I readily accepted the blame and hated myself for feeling so strongly. In the course of dating Mr. Unavailable, I was often on the brink of losing my mind due to his ambiguity, fickleness and dishonesty. Nagging feelings of uncertainty, doubt and unhappiness were constant companions during my interactions with him. Whenever I dared to complain, I was dismissed as being clingy, overreacting and as allowing myself to have too high hopes too fast. It was depressing as hell: I did not only feel like shit, but accepted all the blame for it. Shifting the blame to myself prevented me from questioning his shady behavior and it never really occurred to me that it would be better to leave him.

Being with a narcissist consequently really makes you lose touch with yourself. You are constantly treated with neglect, distance, ambiguity and dishonesty. They toy with our emotions and manipulate us in very shameful ways. It really drives you insane and turns you into a mess. Because we are not even getting the bare minumum of what we need and hope for, we feel low and depressed. We never feel fulfilled and happy, we always want more than what we get, because the narcissist is unable to give us what we need. He is unwilling to accept blame for not treating us fairly, but instead makes us feel guilty for wanting more. In the end, we not only feel depressed, lonely and neglected, but we also accept the full blame for feeling this way. We think of ourselves as being “too clingy”, “too needy”, “too dependent” and as “wanting too much too fast”, instead of accepting our feelings as valid and as a product of the shady behavior we receive. We end up settling for less than we deserve, because we believe that our (normal!) expectations are too high.

It is therefore always healthier to believe in your own instincts and feelings. Whenever you feel as if you don’t get what you deserve and that your partner is not dedicated and affectionate, you should act on those feelings instead of feeling guilty for them. It is not needy or a sign of weakness if you expect to be treated with affection, care and respect. It is what we deserve and we shouldn’t allow a narcissist to convince us that we are wrong. We should never feel guilty for feeling strongly as a result of not getting the bare minimum of what we wish for and of what we deserve. If we nearly lose our minds because of all the ambiguities and dishonesties we find ourselves surrounded with in our relationship, we are not to blame, but the narcissists who expose us to all this madness. Accepting this fact will hopefully enable us to free us from unhealthy relationships and to have more trust in ourselves and the validity of our own feelings.

Advertisements

15 thoughts on “Narcissistic Behavior 6: Accuses You of Emotions He Is Provoking

  1. Reblogged this on foolforlovenomore and commented:
    This series I find fascinating because with all that I have been through I have a lot of questions about my abusers mind set. I find that the Narcissistic Behavior series satisfies my need for answers. From the first article I feel as if it was written about “Ricardo” himself! The psychology behind what motivates a narcissist is equally as interesting as it is insane. Kudos to the author!!

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thank you so so much! I feel extremely flattered by your kind words and the fact that you like my series on narcissistic behavior! Thanks for reblogging. I’m glad that you help spread awareness of narcissistic behavior. Knowing more on the issue can be an enormous help to those who are negatively affected by their interactions with narcissists.

      Liked by 2 people

      • Of course! You are an amazing writer! Have you studied psychology at all? After all the trauma I’ve endured from my “narcissist” and abuse from before him I have decided to finally write a book. I would love to have you input when I get to that point since you have experience is similar. Please keep the series going!

        Liked by 2 people

      • Oh wow. I wish you lots of luck with your endeavor to write a book! Sounds like a brilliant idea and I would love to give you input or opinions whenever you want it. Thank you so much for your comments and contributions to my blog. I find them very helpful and encouraging! ❤

        Liked by 1 person

  2. My ex-narcissist also told me that I was “clingy.”

    Yes, they are incredibly good at projecting their feelings about themselves onto others. It’s a real measure of what they really think of themselves and how they also believe that no one should feel better than they do. One of the final straws in my “relationship” with my ex-narc was when he told me that “[my] happiness [came] at the expense of everyone around [me].” I took that statement to heart for about 5 seconds.

    Good post. 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thank you 🙂 Yes it can be really frustrating. They keep throwing us little breadcrumps and in the end we still feel guilty for being “too needy”. We don’t get the minumum of attention and appreciation and still feel guilty for wanting more. It is so confusing and so depressing…

      Like

  3. I’ve been there and know exactly what you are talking about. Last year was spent trying to disentangle myself from the crazy narcissist and “recovering” which took me a long time because he had totally shattered my confidence. I was also told I was too needy, that I loved creating drama apparently and that I was high-maintenance – he couldn’t cope with me and my “demands”, I made him depressed with my insecurities, etc….you know the drill, you’ve been there. Like you, on some level I knew I was right having a problem with his manipulative ways, periods of silence, promises that were always broken, etc….but he always managed to “abuse” me so much when I brought it up that I also believed I must be at fault somehow. Anyway, shall read the rest of your posts now, sorry for the rant 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you so so much for sharing your experiences with your narcissist. I can’t even begin to tell you how much it helps me to know I am not alone. Even though I have already come a long way since the breakup and am fairly certain and confident in my assessment of his behavior, I still love to get confirmations from other people’s experiences..it feels very reassuring.

      Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you for your comment! That’s the uncanny thing about narcissists: they all tend to be very much alike to a certain degree. Makes it easy to identify them if you are aware of the signs and red flags.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. This post helped me so much. As your other posts have as well. This is my story as well and I have been living this horrendous exiatence off and on for the past 11 yrs w my Narc…now Ex Narc as I finally threatened to leave for the last time and he “made me live my words” I will never go back again. Your posts help to remind me of what I’m acctually dealing w and not to let myself forget and start blaming “me” again for everything. I so desperately want to heal once and for all from this nightmare and find the person I used to be befor I met that emotional vampire. He is physically mentally and emotionally abusive and I feel forever changed by being in a relationship w him. But I will find my way out of this dark well and be stronger and more aware in the future. I just want to be happy and at peace for once. Thank you for sharing your story it is soooo incredibly helpful and I dont feel so alone and “crazy” now. ♥

    Like

    • This was interesting. I have experienced this at first hand. I don’t understand it and it baffles me and makes me wonder what goes through their minds when trying to make someone jealous. The people they involve to test you.The mind games and bizarre behaviour has had me boggled for years. The controlling weird behaviour is just too weird to understand.

      Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s