Narcissists and Their “Crazy, Hysteric and Jealous” Exgirlfriends

I know that I have already dedicated two entire posts to talking about my Mr. Unavailable’s strange and changing relation to his exgirlfriend. Since I’ve written them, I have read a lot about narcissists and their penchant for triangulation, and it made me realize that my previous two posts on the issue are insufficient. Back then I wasn’t fully aware of the role I played in the love triangle and that is why I feel the need to take up the topic again.

Nothing has hurt and exhausted me more during my time with Mr. Unavailable than the drama with his – as he often called her – “hysteric, mentally imbalanced and crazy exgirlfriend.” It often felt like I was in a relationship with two people as she was always on his mind and therefore seemed to follow us around like a shadow. He continously mentioned her name, wrote text messages to her while spending time with me, adjusted his life to her schedule, was constantly worried about her feelings and always complaining about her jealousy, craziness and totalitarian behavior. Once she got hold of my cell phone number (because it appeared on their shared phone bill) she tried to call me numerous times, sent me tons of text messages and exposed me to her craziness. She was a constant source of drama, and I just couldn’t understand why he still lived with her in the same apartment. Back then I was convinced that she was a crazy, jealous and hateful person, turning the life of Mr. Unavailable into a mess. Looking at the situation in retrospect has taught me that she is probably not the monster I thought her to be, but just another victim of his narcissistic abuse. The ambiguous treatment and emotional exploitation she received from him has probably led her to behave as unreasonably, hurt and hateful as she did.

The most exhausting and ridiculous aspect about his relation to his exgirlfriend was that it seemed to change on a daily basis. Some days he complained that living with her has become unbearable, that she turned his life into a mess, that she was mentally imbalanced, and that he intended to move out as fast as possible. On other days, he would assure me of how deeply he cared about her feelings, how he respected and treasured her with all his heart, and how he thought of her as his best and most valued friend. His attitude often changed within only a few hours. Once he complained about how unbearable the situation with her was, and about the fact that she sent him tons of hateful text messages. Later the same day he posted intimate looking pictures of the two of them on Google Plus. He assured me he would never lie to her because he respected her too much, while I was at the same time aware of the many blatant lies he had told her in the past.

He rubbed her name into my face on every possible occassion. He talked about going out for dinner, a concert or some other event with her. They went on city trips, to the fitness center and even to the dentist together. He always told me about it, always casually mentioning her name as if it was the most natural thing ever to still do everything with an expartner in spite of being in a new relationship. The most frustrating part of it was that during the time we dated, we never once went out to a special event together: We didn’t go to concerts or on city trips. He did all of these things with her, and I allowed him to turn me into an option – someone to hang out with whenever his exgirlfriend didn’t have the time. I never even allowed myself to tell him about how frustrated I was, because I knew he would react in an angry, unsympathetic way.

Things really got out of hand when my phone number appeared lots of times on their shared phone bill. I got phone calls and text messages from her. The first time she tried to call me I answered the phone because I didn’t know it was her. We talked for about an hour and it was the most painful phone conversation I ever had: Hearing her version of events made me aware of the fact that he was blatantly lying to both of us, that he was playing us like puppets on a string, and that it was mostly his fault that things were so messed up. Yes, it was true, his exgirlfriend was indeed behaving unreasonably, desperately and hatefully. However, I think that her behavior is for the most part a result of his emotional abuse and vagueness.

I almost threw up, when she told me on the phone that she was convinced that he was having sex with his sister: It really opened my eyes to what a messed-up situation I found myself in. I never really believed that he was indeed having sex with his sister, but I was shocked that she dared to suggest something like this. I would immediately cut a person out of my life if that person made such hateful and shameful suggestions about me. He didn’t even seem to be bothered that much by it when I told him about it and even went on calling her his best friend. Their concept of friendship seems to be in need of some revision: In my view, friends don’t constantly lie to each other, and certainly don’t accuse each other of having sex with their siblings!

After that one phone conversation with her, I felt absolutely exhausted and emotionally drained. When I later on talked to him he tried to convince me that she had told me nothing but lies. I didn’t know what to believe anymore, I didn’t know who told the truth and who was lying. I was caught in the middle, having heard two versions of events and feeling absolutely empty. I never had to deal with such a mess, so many lies, such disgusting accusations. I suddenly found myself right in the middle of their weirdness and had become part of a conflict I never wanted to have any share in. I suddenly realized that there were thousands of unresolved issues between the two of them, and that they drew me into their fucked-up mess of a relationship. I was completely overwhelmed by my own feelings: Sometimes I felt extremely angry at her for being so hateful and dramatic. Then again I almost felt sympathy for her. Because I didn’t know the truth, I never really knew how I was supposed to feel about any of it. It is extremely exhausting and confusing to constantly be lied to and to not have a clue about what is really going on. I only knew that I had become the protagonist in a very horrible drama full of sick mind games and disgusting lies.

I have to accept the fact that I will never know the truth, I will never find out about the true nature of their relation. I only know that she was a fixed part of my relationship to the narcissist, a constant source of drama, lurking like a shadow wherever we went and whatever we did. While back then I was convinced that she was indeed the crazy, hateful and jealous person that he described her as, I now think that she is also a victim of his sick manipulation and mindfuckery and that he turned her into this hysteric, crazy mess. With his changeableness, vagueness and ambiguity he was hurting both of us, playing us like puppets on a string, and I guess he enjoyed being the center of our attention and the object of our jealousy. He could have put an end to all that drama by treating both of us with honesty and by dissolving all the ambiguities. He had too much fun watching both of us suffer on his account to do just that.

Whenever a narcissistic, unavailable man talks about his “crazy, jealous” ex, whe should treat such statements with extreme caution. Back then I was so brainwashed and confused by his sick games that I naturally believed his ex to be the hateful and spiteful person he had labelled her as. Now I know that he is probably responsible for her behavior, that he is not the victim but the perpetrator. Emotionally abusing two women at the same time, disrespecting them, lying to them and playing them like puppets on a string is just plain disgusting and it makes me angry to the point where I almost want to start screaming.

I still can’t believe I let myself be drawn into this mess and that I allowed him to disrespect and emotionally abuse me like that. The point is that many narcissists are extremely skilled at manipulating us. They serve us with lies and excuses, they flatter us and they make false promises. In the end we nearly go insane from all the ambiguity and from not knowing what exactly is going on. The love triangle I found myself in was one of the most painful, excruciating experiences I ever made. I have never before been part of such a fucked-up mess. I hope that having survived such an intense level of ambiguity and mindfuckery has turned me into a stronger person that will never allow something like this to happen again. Having to accept that you were a pawn in a game and not an appreciated and respected partner in a relationship is painful and depressing. It takes time to accept and get over the fact that the person you so ardently loved and cared about, served you with nothing but lies and manipulated you in the most shameful and disgusting way imaginable.

I apologize for the length of this post. I feel very strongly about this issue and it will still take me a long time to heal and get over it. I know that many victims of narcissistic abuse have found themselves in the middle of a love triangle at some point. It is an excrutiating experience that can drive you insane. If you ever found yourself in a similar situation, I would really love to hear from you.

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23 thoughts on “Narcissists and Their “Crazy, Hysteric and Jealous” Exgirlfriends

    • I’m in that situation and have been (or am) at least somewhat narcissistic myself. She with more practice and ability in this area can easily manipulate me. However, I don’t flirt with, see or sleep-with other women or other ego-serving behaviour. I want a woman who ‘serves’ me, only because that’s what I give (up to a point!) to her, if I really like her. In my heart, I am dedicated, if I like her. I don’t manipulate on purpose. Life for me isn’t a game. This woman is in some ways quite like a man in her style. This includes many things, but obsession with power is definitely one of them. I think the quote “Only when the power of love, overcomes the love of power, will the world finally know peace” applies, as ever it does. Good luck to all true people trying to navigate these issues. So many fools on this earth don’t care about the ramifications of their actions, pretending they live in a little bubble (ignorant / ignorance-is-bliss style). Whilst all science shows that the planet (physical, ecological and socially) is an ecosystem, where we’re all connected. Thus our actions are connected, through various degrees of separation (up to a maximum of six, I think). People who ignore this, but then point the finger at, or complain about, the actions of others (especially the ‘powers that be’) have my utter contempt. They’re often quite intelligent, on the face of it, too. Yet they’re too stupid in their ignorance of the principles of how the world actually works, and their human responsibility to at least see it as it is, not as a child wishes it to be. Adults acting as children is no example for the next generation, and the negative cycle continues (fuelling the ‘devil’s work’ in effect – metaphorical or otherwise). Narcissists are too wrapped-up in their egos. I have been accused of the same, but you tell me – with this world-view, am I really in the same category? At least I’m trying, and respect all those who do their best to navigate these or other hard issues of the spirit and mind. Peace.

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  1. Don’t apologizefor the length of your posts! 🙂 Whatever you need to write is whatever you need to write, no matter how long it is. And remember that first and foremost, this blog is yours and for you. 🙂

    Good post. )

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Yes, yes and yes. The narc lived with his ex for two years after their relationship ended. He was abused by the ex (not surprisingly) and kept talking about moving out but never did (because the rent was cheap and it was very close to work). In the end, the ex threw him out because he just wouldn’t leave. He never talked nicely about the ex however and they never did anything together.
    So when the narc was thrown out by the ex, he left town (he had just been made redundant) and went to live with his parents. Me and him were finished by then but after a couple of months I agreed to be back in contact. We were kind of back in a weird relationship again and then he met someone else who literally “jumped on him” (I know that to be true). As soon as I found out I told him this was it for me and him but he just wouldn’t accept it, he insisted that he wanted us both (me and the “jumper” lol) and couldn’t make up his mind whom to be with. I told him that i wasn’t interested in someone who had to think about whether to be with me or not. He kept pursuing me and in the end, surprise surprise, he chose the “new” person because they were not “clingy and demanding” like I was. But the point is, he kept that triangle going for quite a while. As I told you in an earlier comment, I’m back in contact with him and he’s still in that new relationship but he still tries to get me involved in something more than friendship. As if I would fall for that again! And if you’re thinking I shouldn’t be in contact with him at all, you’re right! But as I said, we were friends for years before it all blew up and I find it hard to let go of that. I would anyway if he kept away but he just won’t accept the no contact.

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    • Narcissists are just very good at producing dramatic love triangle that make you feel like a secondary option. Mine always assured me that his relationship to his exgirlfriend was not romantic at all. And yet, they did everything together, she was extremely jealous of me and didn’t allow him to see me. She even fed him with lies about me (even though the two of us never even met). It was crazy and dramatic and every decent person would have put an end to it. My narc seemed to have enjoyed the drama to much…I’ve read that narcs just love producing drama. It makes them feel special. Looking at it in retrospect I think it’s disgusting. Thank you again for sharing your experiences! I’m so grateful for it. It gives a purpose to my blog if I get such helpful and good feedback!

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      • They do love drama but in true narcissist fashion they create it and then accuse YOU of being the instigator and then complain about the drama. This is the typical narcissist reaction of “projecting”.

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      • You are so right…The narcissist I dated was constantly producing drama. He seemed to enjoy it a lot. However, he often accused me of being dramatic and of overreacting. It is so confusing and you competely lose trust in your own feelings and instincts.

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      • You really do. It comes to a point where you don’t trust anything you feel or think anymore. And I was quite a confident person before him, but he left me a wreck. I’m back to my confident self now but it took quite a while. Thank you so much for your posts and reading & replying to my comments – it really does help so much to talk to others who have been in the same situation 🙂

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      • I’m glad to hear that you are back to your confident self 🙂 I’m still on my journey to getting there. I wouldn’t necessarily say that I was a very confident person before I met him. But I was doing just fine. It is scary how just a few months of being with a narcissist can turn you into a wreck.

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