It is a well-known fact that extreme emotional stress can cause episodes of severe depression in which every movement requires an unusual amount of energy and will-power. Whenever we feel depressed as a result of being (or having been) part of an unhealthy relationship, we are unable to function properly and neglect many of our daily tasks – sometimes even our hobbies and friends – because we somehow no longer find the strength for doing anything at all. I’ve been through many of these episodes of severe depression and always managed to find my way out of them eventually. I always thought I did a good job at dealing with the grief and at overcoming the painful experiences. As it turns out, I never did all the work that would have been necessary to fully recover and move on as a stronger person. This failure to give myself enough time to grief and recover has led me to keep on getting into relationships with unavailable men, who would eventually break my heart again.
My inability to tackle my insecurities and to deal with the emotional wounds that men have inflicted on me also drove me into the arms of the last Mr. Unavailable. My relationship with him would turn out to be the most painful, exhausting and damaging of all of them. In the course of our interactions, I made the experience that emotional stress and pain can not only lead to sadness and depression, but can actually have an enormous effect on your physical well-being. After having been with Mr. Unavailable for a few weeks, I noticed that my health was deteriorating as a result of the emotional rollercoaster I found myself in.
The experience of having my hopes crushed over and over again, of being disappointed numerous times and of being treated with less than the bare minimum of respect and consideration, has led me to feel physically exhausted. Basic tasks would require an enormous amount of energy for me and I sometimes spent entire days on the couch, covered by a blanket because I no longer wanted to move. The consistent feeling of pain and sadness completely paralysed me and made my limbs feel heavy and useless. What further added to the feeling of physical exhaustion was the fact that I often could not sleep at all. I spent entire nights lying awake, racking my brain and almost going insane. Not being able to sleep and regain some of my strength would leave me even more desperate. Sometimes I was feeling so depressed that it would make me tremble, and I would even have attacks of sweating.
On top of feeling tired and exhausted, I had to deal with a severe lack of appetite and even nausea. I often couldn’t bring myself to eat all day. I had to force down food and hope that I would be able to keep it down. As a result, I lost weight and given the fact that I was quite skinny to begin with, I felt alarmed. As you can imagine, not being able to eat enough further added to the feeling of exhaustion.
When I was suffering from a particularly intense episode of stress and depression I could actually feel a stinging pain in my chest. My heart would often begin to race and it could even lead me to have trouble breathing. Whenever this happened, I felt extremely anxious and alarmed. My body was giving me clear signs that he was overwhelmed with my sadness and the emotional stress I was exposed to. The pain in the chest would sometimes become so bad that I considered seeing my doctor about it. I never followed through with it though, as I didn’t want to talk about the source of my physical complaints.
After weeks of continual stress, it got so bad that my hair began to fall out. Whenever I took a shower, I noticed an immense amount of hair going down the shower drain. I started to take pills that were supposed to counteract the loss of hair, but they never led to a real effect. I could actually feel my hair getting lighter and thinner and it would make me completely freak out at times.
To cut a long story short, being with Mr. Unavailable turned me into a nervous and physical wreck: I suffered from exhaustion, listlessness, lack of appetite and nausea, stinging pains in the chest and loss of hair. My apathy sometimes got so severe that I didn’t even care about any of those physical complaints. I was too busy recking my braing over Mr. Unavailable and his changeable behavior that I completely forgot to look after myself. However, there were also times when those health problems would increasingly alarm me and cause me to reconsider the situation I found myself in.
I’m now slowly recovering from everything that I have been through. I’m shocked and angry at myself that I allowed things to get out of hand to such a disastrous extent. My lack of self-esteem and consideration for my own well-being has led me to turn myself into a human wreck. I was so unable to treat myself with love and care that I often felt the physical complaints were an appropriate punishment for my own stupidity and naivety. I’ve finally learned that no man on earth is worth all the drama and pain that I’ve put of with. Someone who loves you should not make you suffer and get sick, but make you feel save, appreciated and cared for.
And just to let you know: I’m already feeling better. My hair has stopped falling out, I gained some weight and the pain in the chest has also almost completely subsided. Besides, I no longer suffer from nausea and am able to sleep relatively well most of the nights. I never want to get sick again from loving someone too much – especially not someone who treats me disrespectully and tramples all over me.
I’m now done with talking about the effects of being with Mr. Unavailable. At this point I want to say thank you to all of you following my blog and commenting on my posts. I really appreciate your kind and encouraging words and it helps me tremendously on my road to recovery. Please keep on commenting and sharing your own experiences and opinions. It’s always a pleasure to get feedback.