Being involved with a Mr. Unavailable cannot only cause you to get severely depressed, and to lose touch with yourself. It can also lead to feeling extremely angry. At times the anger may get so overwhelming and all-encompassing that you might fear you will choke on it unless you find an outlet for it. My feelings often changed from severe sadness and depression to almost uncontrollable anger within the course of a few minutes. The ensuing emotional rollercoaster was so confusing and irritating that I felt paralysed. At times I was covinced I had completely lost control over my emotions.
Feeling angry can at times even be a welcome distraction from being consistently enshrouded in sadness and despair. However, if the anger gets too strong and gains the upper hand, it can feel like you will burst at any second. Strong anger can be so crippling and painful that you feel like you are losing control. Whenever I felt angry at Mr. Unavailable, I would have just loved to scream all of the frustration I was feeling right into his face. I never dared to do so and therefore almost always ended up having to swallow it. At times I feared I might just choke on it.
In the course of my interactions with Mr. Unavailable I felt angry a lot. The experience of being pushed aside and disrespected, of having to deal with an hysteric exgirlfriend and a lot of other bullshit sparked my anger on many different occasions. Unfortunately, I almost always felt guilty for being angry. I thought I was being weak (or even unreasonable) by allowing myself to feel that way. Whenever I would start feeling angry, I immediately questioned myself or even felt ashamed for it. As a result, I never voiced my anger, but swallowed it instead.
Only on a few occasions did I actually dare to express it. Once I wrote him a long email (our chief channel of communication) and let off some steam. I never got nasty or insulting, but tried to stay matter-of-fact and dignified. The reply I got was defensive, angry and unsympathetic. Instead of addressing my concerns and the reasons that lay behind my anger, he turned the tables and got angry at me instead. I didn’t stand my ground but caved in. I felt deeply misunderstood and overlooked, but didn’t have the courage to just say so. To fend off further accusations, I gave in and even apologized for daring to voice my feelings. In the end, the problem wasn’t resolved, my anger was still very much alive and pulsating inside of me. And what was worst of all: I now also felt small and rejected. I reproached myself for having dared to give voice to my anger. In my eyes it was a sign of weakness and of losing self-control.
After this experience, I tried to restrain myself from showing my anger ever again. As you can imagine, this tactic only made matters worse. Swallowing down anger can never be a real solution. All of these hurtful feelings were now bottling up inside of me and I felt like I was about to burst. At the same time, I felt ashamed for the intense anger that I felt and was blaming myself for not being able to control my feelings.
In retrospect I can admit that my anger was absolutely valid. After being taken for granted, disrespected and treated with cold indifference, it is only natural to feel angry at times. Being with a narcissist who does not have any regard for the feelings and worries of others, can at times drive you to the brink of madness. I don’t think there is a single person out there who can keep a cool head when faced with a full-blown narcissist.
After my involvement with Mr. Unavailable has ended, anger is the feeling that is sometimes still pulsating inside of me (besides regret and self-doubt). Right now, anger has managed to take hold of me again. Today I had to find out that Mr. Unavailable has already left Germany and flown back to the U.S. without even having said goodbye to me. I haven’t heard from him in weeks. After everything I have done for him, all the time, dedication and love I invested, all the bullshit I put up with, a simple goodbye wouldn’t have been too much to ask. My family members welcomed him warmheartedly into their home and his way of repaying their hospitality is by being disrespectful. His cold indifference towards the feelings of others is shocking (even for a narcissist).
I know it is unreasonable to still expect decent behavior from a man like this. But I cannot help feeling hurt and made a fool of right now. I feel like he trampled all over me by not even having the decency to say goodbye to me. It’s like a final slap in the face, a final blow to my self-esteem, and a final proof of the fact that he never really cared about me at all. How could you treat someone you once cared about with such cold indifference? It’s just not possible. Despite of everything that has happened, I somehow still hoped that we could part in a decent and mature way and give a conciliatory ending to all that pain and drama. I know this would have helped me a lot and made me feel better. It would have allowed me to not look back at everything with nothing but regrets. The way he disrespected me even at the very end of our interactions is nothing but painful and robs me of the opportunity to finally make peace with everything that happened.
I know I will eventually find the strength to deal with this final insult and let go of the anger. I’m just disappointed things didn’t end in a different way. A miserable ending always leaves a bad taste in your mouth and makes you feel helpless, worthless and abandoned. Having people trample all over you and disregard your worth as a person cannot simply be ignored. I hope no one will judge me for apparently not being completely able to make peace with everything that happebed yet. As I wrote right at the beginning: I’m still on my journey to getting better, I’m in the middle of a healing process and I still have to deal with setbacks.