The following lines will be dedicated to the feeling of falling into a deep bottomless pit – a feeling that I became more and more familiar with during my time with Mr. Unavailable. In the end, I was so emotionally exhausted from all the pain and drama that I sometimes feared I was on the brink of losing my sanity. Even now, almost a month after the end of my interactions with him, I still find myself randomly starting to cry (although never in public), because I’m still struggling with the effects of the ambiguous, unfair treatment I received. It’s hard to just shake off all the pain and disappointments and go on as if nothing happened. I invested so much love, dedication and patience into this relationship, trying to make it work, that having to realize that all of it was in vain was like a giant slap in the face. Despite of everything that happened, there was a time when I cared deeply about Mr. Unavailable. My feelings for him were so honest, pure and deep that I was sometimes amazed I was capable of feeling so much for another person. I would have done amost everything for that man. So when I realized that I was the only devoted person in our relationship, it was like someone had stabbed a knife into my heart.
It is a truly heartbreaking experience when the person you care so deeply about and who occupies a special room in your heart, treats you with disregard and neglect and cannot offer you certainty and stability. That insight is so painful that I pushed it aside for far too long and held on to the naive hope that things would change for the better soon. In my blind pursuit of him, I would do everything just for a chance to see him. I was chasing after him like a dog, debasing myself to make things work. I’m not proud of myself, looking at all of it in retrospect. But I guess I just wanted to be with him so much that it seriously impaired my ability to think rationally.
So when at times I didn’t get a message from him in days, I would feel so incredibly low that I spent all of these days in a state of agonizing pain and apathy. I would rack my brain thinking about why he didn’t leave me a message. I tried so hard to push the thought aside that he just might be emotionally detached and investing far less into our relationship than I did. It was too painful for me to accept. I so desperately craved to be cared for, loved and accepted that I couldn’t let the thought of him being indifferent enter my mind.
At one point, I didn’t see him for four entire weeks. He told me he was extremely busy. Then he told me he was sick. I tried really hard to believe him. When we finally agreed on a time and place to meet again, he blew me off in the last minute and I had to take the train back home without getting to see him. Sitting on that train back home, I felt like a desperate loser and I had to make a huge effort to keep myself from bursting into tears. After he blew me off, he promised we would get to see each other the following weekend. I tried to console myself by looking forward to it. When I texted him on the weekend, asking him when and where we should meet, I just didn’t get an answer. He never responded to one of my texts and ignored me the entire weekend. Of course it was a clear sign that he was avoiding me, not wanting to see me. I couldn’t get a clearer proof of his complete emotional indifference towards me. I never really wanted to accept that insight, and when he contacted me a few days later, telling me how much he wanted to see me and how he missed me, I so desperately wanted his words to be true that I went on as if nothing had ever happened.
However, that four weeks of being pushed aside and ignored had left me feeling like an empty shell. I spent most of those four weeks in agony, lying in bed, desperately waiting for him to call or leave a message. I didn’t want to talk to anyone or see anyone. I lived in complete isolation from everything and everyone around me. I’ve never felt this way before and in the end I was convinced that I was losing my mind. How could I allow myself to suffer so much because of a person that clearly didn’t care all that much? Did I have absolutely no piece of self-respect left? Those four weeks of isolation, depression and apathy were such a horrible experience that I hope with all my heart I never have to endure something like this ever again. At times the pain got so bad that it had an actual physical impact on me: I was shaking all over, throwing up and starting to lose hair. I had to force myself to not constantly look at my cell phone to keep myself from going insane.
Many of you might think that it was absolutely naive and desperate of me to keep holding on to someone who couldn’t have made it clearer that he wasn’t all that emotionally involved. It’s certainly true. But you also have to see that whenever we met he seemed to be genuinely crazy about me, and he couldn’t have been such a perfect actor and fake all of it. At times he seemed to be so sweet, caring and loving that it was hard to dismiss all of it as fake. He spent three days at my place, getting to know my parents and I could tell that he genuinely enjoyed the time and the presence of my family. All of this made it hard to accept the utter indifference and distance he would show towards me at times. I couldn’t deal with his changeableness and inconsistence: I would rack my brain because I couldn’t make sense of his behavior. At times I was convinced he cared about me, then again I thought he couldn’t care less.
To sum it up: The time I spent with Mr. Unavailable was the most exhausting time of my life. At times I was so depressed from him blowing hot and cold that I thought I was going crazy. The way I let his fickleness affect me clearly wasn’t healthy and let me to lose touch with myself. I completely isolated myself from everything and everyone, as my entire being revolved around him and his inscrutable way of treating me. I was prepared to do almost everything for him because I cared about him with all my heart. Having to accept that the person you turned into your absolute priority treats you like an option is heartbreaking and shattering.
I have to be glad that all of this is over now. It allows me to slowly gain back my sanity and to evaluate my behavior. I never want to feel this way ever again. Next time I will give my heart to someone, I have to apply a more careful screening process 😉