Unavailability Factor 3: Immaturity

Another common characteristic that many so-called “Mr. Unavailables” share is immaturity. To be honest: I didn’t really suffer that much from the fact that the guy I dated was immature. At least I didn’t in the first few weeks or even months. I tend to be slightly childish sometimes as well; I love to laugh about silly jokes, and I don’t like walking through life being all serious, reasonable and severe. His immaturity started to bother me at the point where I realized that it permeated his entire life: he was unwilling and unable to take responsibility for anything (even the course of his own life), he was unable to handle conflicts or to take action in all aspects of life. Having to realize that I was the “grown-up” in our relation even though he was ten years older than me sure felt weird.

Some of you might think at this point that ten years is quite a bit age difference and no wonder it didn’t work out between the two of us. I assure you: Because of his immaturity the age difference never really was an issue. It often felt as if he was the younger one and as if I was the one with all the responsibility. He didn’t have a clue about what he wanted to do with his life, he changed his mind every single day, he was unable to take responsibility for his own actions, and it seemed as if he was just living for the day. Being with such a person can be exhausting as it leaves you wondering constantly about why the other one is acting so unreasonably. You are trying to find an explanation for their behavior and are unwilling to accept that you will probably go lost looking for all the answers.

Of course his immaturity also became obvious in his behavior: He laughed about the silliest jokes, started singing loudly in the middle of a crowd just because he felt like it, he became nervous and insecure whenever a little challenge was coming his way. To be honest: those were the little quirks I loved about him. I never really had a problem with any of those little things. It started to bother me when his immaturity and unwillingness to take responsibility kept him from solving the conflicts I was suffering from. He was unwilling to sort things out with his exgirlfriend, to make any plans for the future and to talk about where our relationship was heading. He was just living for the day and if I had a problem with it it didn’t bother him in the least. He never really seemed to think things through before he made a decision: He came to Germany two years ago because of his exgirlfriend even though the relationship had already started to disintegrate. I wouldn’t call it a wise and thought-out decision to move to a foreign country, not even knowing the language, because of a relationship that is likely to fail. And this is just one example for the immaturity of his actions and decisions…I could go on for pages listing countless other examples, but I think you all got the gist.

Whenever I dared to voice my inner turmoil and the pain he was exposing me to, he got defensive and tried to push the subject away from him: a sure sign that he was unwilling to take responsibility or to treat problems and conflict like an adult. It got to the point where I would just swallow down my frustrations and leave him be, because there was no use in trying to solve a conflict or trying to talk about the future.

You can only take this kind of behavior for a limited amount of time. In the beginning I found his immaturity indearing and I loved the fact that I didn’t have to be all grown-up and reasonable around him. It felt fun and refreshing and we always had a good time. I still love to look back and it sometimes makes me indredibly sad that I lost all of it. I think about the way he just randomly started to sing and it still makes me smile. In the end, however, the bad aspects have by far outweighed the good ones. His immaturity, coupled with all the other aspects that turned him into a Mr. Unavailable, started to eat away at me until all my strength was completely gone. So while I might look back at some of the episodes we shared with a nostalgic smile on my face, I also have to accept that in the end it was for the best that I had to let him go. Immaturity can be refreshing for a limited amount of time, but it surely is no basis for a solid relationship with prospects for a future…

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3 thoughts on “Unavailability Factor 3: Immaturity

  1. My ex seemed to always make decisions and couldn’t stick with them. It was like he would make them out of impulse and not really think and when he met me, he wanted to move to where I am that quickly. I think it would have started to drive me eventually crazy if we stayed longer together and the he may have started to get defensive when I would start questioning it.

    Liked by 1 person

    • The same was true for my ex narc. He made very sudden and irrational decisions…often he couldn’t stick with them. He moved from the U.S. to Germany because of his ex (back then she was of course still his girlfriend) even tough they barely knew each other and fought a lot…of course they broke up only a few weeks after his arrival and he was stuck in her apartment in a strange land he didn’t even know the language of..that is how they are…they make decisions ot of an impulse and then come to regret them. Thank you again for sharing…it is always good to see that others can relate…because it proves that there is a pattern in their behavior..and it helps me to understand and move on ❤

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