Unavailability Factor 2: Aimlessness and Changeableness

One could think that all the drama and frustrations I was exposed to due to the fact that my Mr. Unavailable was still attached to his exgirlfriend were enough to drive me insane and last me for a lifetime. As it turns out, the exgirlfriend was just one among several factors that contributed to his unavailability. And all of those other factors were also enormously stressful and turning my life into a mess. This post will be dedicated to looking at aimlessness and changeableness: two characteristics that are very common for Mr. Unavailables. While they might be stuck in the middle, not knowing what to do with their lives and unable to make any decisions, we are often kept in the unknown, pushed aside and disappointed as a result of it. It can suck the life out of you and leave you emotionally drained.

My Mr. Unavailable didn’t have a clue about what to do with his life. When I met him he had already been living in Germany for nearly two years (he was American) and was torn between staying here or moving back to the U.S. He changed his mind about his plans for the future on a daily basis. One day he would tell me he intended to stay in Germany, the next day he would tell me he planned on returning to the U.S. as soon as possible. As the future of our relationship depended on this decision you can imagine that I always felt on edge, clinging desperately to the hope that he would stay here. When he told me he would stay I always felt elated and hopeful…only to be disappointed over and over again when he changed his mind for the thousandth time…At some points I even felt guilty for allowing myself to have any hopes. But then again he wanted to meet my parents and my friends: Who wouldn’t dare to have hopes in such a situation? Why should I feel guilty for it then? It was really affecting my well-being and I had trouble focusing on my daily routine.

As if this wasn’t frustrating enough he was also changeable and fickle in all the other areas of his life and our interactions. We would often set a date for meeting each other and spending time together and he would blow me off in the last minute. I often did not see him in weeks…He told me he didn’t have time, he needed to work or didn’t feel well. Sometimes he sent me the most wonderful emails and text messages, telling me the sweetest things. Then again I often didn’t hear from him in days: no messages, no calls, no nothing. He often promised me he would move out of his exgirlfriend’s apartment so we could finally spend more time together. He complained he felt put under pressure by her and was suffering from her hysteric attacks and her controlling behavior. On other days, he denied having any intention to move out, went on short trips with her to different German cities and even took quite intimate looking pictures with her.

It was like an endless rollercoaster ride: One day I felt sure he appreciated me and was genuinely interested in being with me. On other days I felt pushed aside, neglected and fooled. One day I would stare at my phone smiling like an idiot because I just got one of his lovely text messages. On other days, I would lie awake the entire night, crying and despairing because I felt left alone and unappreciated. Sometimes I thought the constant ups and downs would soon drive me insane. I really couldn’t think about anything else, my mind was always busy wondering about his actions, asking itself whether he would stay here or go back to the U.S., whether he truly cared about me or just toyed with my feelings.

I let him treat me like this for far too long because I never felt strong enough to get out of this mess. I believed in his promises and dared to hope, just to be disappointed thousands of times. Each disappointment felt like a slap in the face and a stab in the heart. To have your hopes crushed over and over again can be absolutely devastating and leave you despaired, hollow and struggling with nagging self-doubt. He never really took resonsibility for his behavior, he never really apologized or owned up to being changeable and aimless. This added greatly to my self-doubts: Was all of it my fault? Was I expecting to much? Shouldn’t I have allowed myself to have any expectations at all?

I could ramble on forever about the many instances that illustrated how he was completely aimless and fickle. Instead I will just come to the conclusion: A few weeks ago he finally decided he would leave Germany and return to the U.S. He doesn’t have a clue what he is going to do back home. He doesn’t have a job or any other prospects right now, and it looks like he has to build a new life from scratch. He is already in his mid-thirties and it clearly pains him that he is still completely aimless. I thought it would rip my heart in two to have to let him go. I dreaded the moment he might decide to leave, because I thought it would make me fall apart. However, looking at how draining, exhausting and dramatic our relationship has been from the very beginning I felt strangely relieved when I learned he intended to leave. It gives me the chance to finally close this painful chapter and to focus on myself. It puts an end to all the ups and downs that were exhausting me to an alarming extent, turning me into an irritated mess.

Given the insecurity of his situation and the bind he is still in with his exgirlfriend he never should have allowed himself to date me in the first place. It was so very wrong and selfish of him to expose me to all that pain. It clearly shows his lack of concern for my well-being. However, he is covinced that I am responsible for my misery: I never should have dared to hope or to have any expectations in his opinion. This view clearly underlines that he is a narcissistic bastard who never had any qualms about hurting my feelings…

So to sum it all up: Being treated like this left a lasting impression on me and has greatly affected my emotional well-being and my self-esteem. I hope I will be able to learn from what I’ve been going through. I never again want to give anyone so much power over me or allow anyone to treat me with so little concern and appreciation!

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2 thoughts on “Unavailability Factor 2: Aimlessness and Changeableness

  1. I would say he still hadn’t moved on and I would have offered to go there and get him while she is at work or out of town and help him move out and have him ignore her calls and emails because she is that controlling and he could leave her a note saying he is moving out and doesn’t want to be her friend and to not ever talk to him. If he turned that down because he was that afraid of what could happen next, yeah not a good partner to be with.

    Liked by 1 person

    • He clearly hadn’t moved on. I offered him to stay at my place and he declined the offer out of a fear of hurting her. I still don’t really know why he stayed with her…he complained on a daily basis that she was turning his life into a mess and that living with her had become unbearable. Still he stayed…he alternately called her mentally imbalanced and then his best and most precious friend. It was confusing…i couldn’t make sense of it and it was breaking my heart. I despise him for having exposed me to so much pain and unnecessary drama…it was unfair how he kept me in the dark and turned me into a secondary option. Thank you for your comment. You are definitely right…he was not a good partner to be with…a good partner wouldn’t repeatedly break your heart and damage your well-being…and he certainly wouldn’t play you like a pawn in a game…

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