I don’t even know where to start…The only thing I know is that everything hurts. It has been like this for months and I’ve reached the point where I have to take action or I will drown in my own misery. I’ve been through similar situations before and I often thought that things would get better once I grew older. Turns out I was very wrong. I seem to attract difficult personalities…Men who cannot offer stability, commitment and care. And every time it happens and my heart has been shattered to tiny pieces, I’m surprised and it hits me like a slap in the face. I never seem to learn my lesson and grow stronger and wiser. Finally, I’ve realized that there must be something wrong with me and I started looking for books dealing with the subject. After having read Robin Norwood’s “Women Who Love Too Much” and Natalie Lue’s “Mr. Unavailable & The Fallback Girl”, I’ve learned that I am probably suffering from a phenomenon called “co-dependence” and that there are many women sharing the same fate. It helped to acknowledge that I am not alone, that there are so many others suffering due to the same reasons as I do. It took me many failed relationships and broken dreams to realize that it’s not a coincidence and bad luck, but that through my addiction to attention and love I attract problematic personalities who are very likely to break my heart into pieces and leave me standing in the rain all alone. Right now I have to cope with yet another failed relationship…In retrospect I wouldn’t even dare to call it a relationship. It was more of a fling. I invested tons of energy, dedication and love into a man who couldn’t offer me anything at all. The only thing I ever got was broken promises. He kept blowing me off, disappointing me and breaking my heart. I knew I was wronged but never found the energy and strength to save myself and the little bit of self-esteem that I had left. I clinged to him, hoping he would change…hoping he would care enough about me to address my concerns and dreams. He never even tried…I still held on to him like he was the last person left in my life. My family and friends told me to let go because what I was doing was just not healthy. I never listened to any of them…I was totally weak and dependent.
Right now I’m in the middle of dealing with everything…the shitty way in which he treated me. And most of all, how I was so blind, weak and dependent that I debased myself, surpressed my own needs and desires to make everything work. I never got rewarded for anything and had to cope with the fact that my self-sacrifice was totally in vain. I lost touch with myself just to put my entire dedication into a situation that was doomed from the very beginning. I don’t want to give a summary of everything I had to endure those past few months in just this one post. I just wanted to give a general introduction, telling you how I am struggling with co-dependence. The aim of this blog is to document my struggle to overcome my problemtic behavior. I know that hundreds of thousands of other women share the same fate and I hope that through talking about my struggle I will make some of them realize how we share the same patterns of behavior…how we should stop debasing ourselves for others who are not worth our dedication and energy. We deserve to treat ourselves better and to not let ourselves be destroyed by unhealthy relationships. I am still in the middle of accepting all of this and hope that sharing my thoughts, doubts and the pain that is numbing my heart will open some of your eyes and make you realize your own codependent behavior. While I’m documenting my struggle with self-doubt, setbacks and pain, you will learn the details of the problematic relationships I had and still have to come to terms with…maybe you will find a piece of you in any of my stories…And don’t forget: You are not alone.